u/Physical_Marsupial30

I find it hard to talk about my asexuality for a lot of reasons. On one hand, it makes me sound like I'm the stereotypical GenZ kid with blue hair who navel-gazes about their sexual and gender identity constantly, and there's a growing societal resistance to that sort of thing.

It also sounds weirder, in my opinion, to announce "I'm asexual" than it is to announce "I'm gay". The fact that the word "sexual" is in it makes it sound weird to me and I just turn beet red with embarrassment. The word sounds just so cold and clinical and I don't like it. It sounds like I'm something in a labrotory. It feels more personal. Too personal. That's why I only come out to the few people that I trust the most.

To further complicate things, even the people I trust, that I came out too, don't fully understand what I mean when I say I'm asexual. To complicate things even more--even I'M still figuring it out. It's just not clear cut at all.

I wish everyone in my life knew that I was asexual and that they could just be normal about it. But alas, that is not to be. My parents are evangelical Christians who, though not Christian Nationalist, still believe that LGBTQ identities and premarital sex send you to hell. I think asexuality is an exception to the going-to-hell rule, but it's also invisible in evangelical culture. So it would still be a disaster if I told them that I'm asexual. I don't want to do that.

Even the people who know can't be normal about it. Spring semester last year in college, I started getting a lot of attention from a guy in my class (I'm a 21 year old woman btw). We would eat lunch together, and that's when I started realizing, with a pit of dread in my stomach, that he probably wanted to date me. It was the first time I'd ever gotten so much attention from the opposite sex. I worked up my courage and told him "I'm asexual" one day, and he was really kind and accepting. We remained friends and became really close anyway.

Yet almost every time we talked, he always mentioned something about me being asexual, giving the impression that he thought it meant I would never feel a hint of attraction to anyone, never date, and never marry. And no...that's not exactly true. I'm asexual. I've known it without having any words for it since I was about ten years old. But I still wish I could be in a relationship so, so bad. I just don't feel attraction, but I still wish I could have romantic relationships like other people. I even get crushes on celebrities sometimes, so I know what attraction is, and how I don't feel it for "real" people around me. They just look like thumbs with arms and legs, honestly.

But I still wish I could be in a relationship someday without my friend thinking that I'm lying about being asexual. I didn't lie! I could never lie about something like that. But sexual orientation is a really, really complicated thing sometimes.

Just as bad as the expectation that I'll never be in a relationship is the expectation that I MUST be in a relationship. My parents still say things like "When you get married, your husband will..." They always say "when," not "if." They firmly believe that I will find someone, even though I didn't through four years of college. Even though I've never so much as kissed or held hands with someone. It feels horrible with each year that passes, because I know I'm letting them down by not progressing in the area of relationships, and I'm never going to be able to have kids at this rate, and eventually they'll just be quietly disappointed and they won't know why it didn't happen for me. It's AWFUL.

Anyhow, I wish I could just throw off the label "asexual" with its stigmas and misunderstandings attached and be who I am. I wish I didn't have to be accountable to non-asexual people's expectations of what asexuality looks like. Labels just feel like boxes, like traps. But I need labels, somehow, to define myself. It's so stupid and confusing.

TLDR: Nobody in my life understands what it's like for me to be asexual. I hate the label. I just want to be who I am, unlabeled.

I'm a college student and, up until day, worked part time at the campus library. Shelving, checking out books, etc. I was unexpectedly fired today, a week before the semester ends. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if he just told me "you're not coming back next year." I feel like a complete idiot and I know I am. I DON'T view myself as the victim of a mean boss. I made mistakes throughout the school year that piled up. I didn't provide my finals week availability when he needed it due to a misunderstanding, but I should have known better.

I'm such an incompetent failure, its a wonder anyone wants me around. I hate myself so much, and for good reason. It may be just a minor little job, but if I can't even succeed at a job that mostly involves sitting behind a desk doing nothing, how will I ever get around in the real world?​ I remember my first job in high school, at a dishroom, and actually hitting myself with frustration at my inability to keep up with the massive piles of dishes on busy nights without crying. How long will I be like this?

Besides that, I can't even drive without people honking at me and freaking out and getting lost basically anywhere because i'm so nervous. And few nights ago, my car broke down as I was about to go out with a friend, so I called the campus police, who pointed that my car had a gas leak and my license had weirdly expired just two weeks after it'd been issued (i hadn't even thought to check). When I couldn't turn my lights on right away, being used to cars with automatic lights, and because I was new to driving this car, they started demanding if I was on drugs, over and over, making me feel like a suspect, and more cops showed up, and well, it just went on and on. It was my first major run in with cops, and I was deeply shaken, needing my friend to come back so we could talk and I could settle down. Hardly had i recovered from the shock of effectively losing my car, then I lost my job.

I'm so sorry for whining and venting. I want to be positive but life is getting me down, and it's finals besides. 😞 I wish I could be one of those people who's happy all the time, but i'm not. I feel terrible, like I was just beaten.