u/Shot_Duck_3789

Something finally clicked for me and I want to put it somewhere.

Narcissism gets called "too much ego." I think it's the opposite. Underneath is shame so unbearable the whole person is organized around never feeling it. Denial is the tool — never wrong, never sorry, never their fault.

But denied shame doesn't vanish. It gets offloaded onto whoever can't fight back. That's the scapegoat. That's why the shame you carried never felt like it fit — it wasn't yours. It was theirs, put on you because the whole thing runs on someone else holding it.

And the arrogance isn't separate from that. To deny your own shame by pure verdict, your word has to override reality itself — your memory, the facts, everything. That's what gaslighting is. That's why they can't apologize (admitting wrong means touching the shame the whole system exists to avoid). That's why challenging them triggers rage that makes no sense — you're not threatening their feelings, you're threatening the denial that's holding back something they experience as annihilating.

They will never see it. Not by choice — the disorder exists to prevent that exact moment.

So stop waiting for the apology. It's structurally impossible. You don't need their confession to put the shame down.

It was never yours to carry.

I'm temporarily staying in my father's house while I rebuild. To understand the message below, here's the background:

For years, while I was married and had a well-established life, my father pestered me — sometimes multiple times a day — to leave my wife. Relentlessly, working on me to walk away from my marriage and the life I'd built. And the whole time he was doing it, he reassured me that I'd "always have a place to stay." That was the promise. Leave your life, and I've got you.

So eventually I took his advice and left, now I'm in the exact position he kept pushing for — no spouse, rebuilding from close to nothing, staying in his house in the in-between. And the "you'll always have a place to stay" has transformed into this: a list of rules, a contract I have to sign, and the explicit demand that I'm not even allowed to think his demands are unreasonable. Here's the reality of how I actually live in his house: I meet his demands probably 90% of the time. I clean regularly. By any reasonable assessment, I'm a low-maintenance, considerate person to live with. And the 10% — the times I supposedly fail — is almost always something like a single glass left on the counter. That's the scale of the offenses that trigger messages like the one below. A glass. Not chaos, not filth, not disrespect. A glass.

On top of that: the entire time I've been here, I've been working — earning certifications and finishing a degree, deliberately rebuilding toward a career. And I've spent this whole time actively researching and practicing non-confrontation techniques, specifically so I can keep the peace and not escalate anything with him. I am doing everything a person could reasonably do — complying, cleaning, studying, building, and deliberately managing my own behavior to avoid conflict. None of it registers. The story is still that I'm the problem, the negativity, the threat to his peace.

Right now I've actually left for a few days to get some space. But here's the bind: I'll have to go back for at least a month, until my new job starts and I can afford to fully support myself. So I'm not in a position to just walk away yet. I have to return, manage this, and get through it until I have the income to leave for good.

There's no active conflict between us, for the record. When I'm there I keep to myself, I do what's asked, I clean, I study, I work to stay non-confrontational, I stay out of the way. This is what I get anyway:

If you decide to come back I will make a list of hard lines that need to be followed that are extremely simple to do with giving yourself daily reminders and not tell me that they are normal for households. Just because they seem normal to your thoughts and feelings, they probably aren't to mine, so if you aren't willing to tow the line, then you need to make different living arrangements. If something is important to ME you cannot just tell yourself it isn't something you need to pay attention to, you need to pay attention and comply. Because it affects me on a mental level deeply then physically then it affects my ability to work effectively which, eventually, will put us both out on the streets. You need to let that thought sink in and take it extremely serious. I wont be in a situation where my mental health is at risk. I need peace and safety in the home I own and pay for everything that you subsist on. If you cant accept that then you need to find different living arrangements. A big part of a work environment is doing what your boss tells you and listening to the needs of your co workers. If you cant do those things you get fired. Its the same situation in someone's home where it is their home and they need it run in a certain way. If you cant accept that you need to find a different living situation. Also remember that complying, listening and doing with order will have a positive effect on me as well as you. I am going to write up a contract that you will need to agree to. They really are very simple things but when they add up, I blow up.