u/SigmaHero045

I've had a lot of heavy bothersome thoughts these past months, with peaks and lows, as someone AMAB but they got significantly more intense these past few months. It's gender identity-related, but I just can't make sense out of it, for every thing that seem to point me in one direction, another will push me in the opposite direction and I just can't find someone's history that match mine close enough to help me make sense of what I'm living through and find the way out. For all the signs that point to me having genuine gender dysphoria, I have others telling me in equal numbers I have TOCD, not helped by all the sabotage attempts and mind mechanisms made at shutting any and all of that down or the fears of the consequences for me in regard to my family, my wellbeing, or my credibility if I were to make the wrong choice with confidence only to walk back after (or make the correct choice and still souring my family links I depend emotionally on), as someone not strong enough to endure either of those if things went sour contrary to some brave souls here.

I don't know if this is the right place for writing and sharing that, but maybe someone here will connect to what I experience or know someone who do close enough to tell their experience and doing so help me figure myself out of this mess at least a little more, or just help someone that was about to ask the same thing just to know they're not alone.

Since teenagehood, I always hated behaving and being expected to behave masculine (unless it was the chivalrous/Professor Layton-style gentleman ideals but not at all the typical teenage boy ways, I'd go out of my way not to) or being in masculine spaces such as the school bodybuilding second gym, men clothing stores, liquor stores, urinaries or school PE lockers/showers (I'd change in another unrelated bathroom alone). I was terrified of puberty in my tween years and hated deeply what it did to my body and my voice that just sound dumb now. It could have been much worse, since I deeply find ugly and discomforting for me the idea of being tall, having big frames, big muscles, big shoulders, strong jawlines and big adam apples for me, thankfully for me it didn't go too far for those as it could have but that little comfort me. I deeply want to not have those bothersome gross male organs, I hate that face, those still too big shoulders, too masculine biceps and legs, fat nose, too large frame, too wide trunk, thick eyebrows, and body and facial hair everywhere (except my mustache funnily enough), those male characteristics in other words. I also never liked "manly" smells and since a few years now don't like having my hair cut to be super short when they're "too long". I also crossdressed in secret with my mom/stepmom clothes when I was 13 before shaming myself out of it and tried and failed spectacularly of trying mascara in secret. Now, I do yoga and pilates from some deep part of me wishing a less masculine looking body and some strange sense of joy and relief when I look at the mirror to see and feel changes to myself. I even went on anonymous online chats as a girl for what was originally a simple social experiment and it felt...nice, I kept going. This current wave of disturbance can even be traced to when I used one of those gender changing filters on myself and it felt unreal in a way I can't describe with words, regardless of me telling myself these are exaggerated not real images or previews in what ifs.

So, easy, right? But here's where this get complicated quickly : I visibly don't want to get female characteristics like breasts, female organs or wider hips, the idea just doesn't feel right or comfortable in my head, nor does changing my name or pronouns. I also was perfectly fine being a boy during my childhood where I never wanted to be seen as a girl, or wear girl clothes, or play with "girl toys", not even in a passing thought or consideration of the option (despite being in a school group as the sole boy), and primarily self-identified with and roleplayed as male characters from shows and games, contrary to many testimonies of trans people who had pretty good signs something was "not right" since quite early in their lifes that I just don't have (don't think genderbending my miis for laughs count). I also do not want to put on makeup (as I find sad and not right that the powerful cosmetic industry pushed tons of girls to not have the self-esteem to go out and love their face as is without paying stuff like dudes can) or do hair rituals or do girly activities (like my mom would surely push on me to do if I said I was trans), on top of having a phobia of surgeries and an even bigger one of not passing If I was indeed trans and transitionned (demanding these things I don't want). Is it deeply entranched fear fueled by TOCD or very efficient self-sabotage, my neurodivergent mind deeply afraid of loss and change, or fear of consequences with self-preservation instincts, or all at the same time, I'm so tired and it's all so blurry and intermingled and been here so long at war with myself I can't even tell anymore who's who.

So ok, right, maybe non-binary/fluid then? It feels even more off for me than possibly being a girl, I really don't like the idea of me doing stuff to be seen in a neutral/androgynous way, it just feels not right for me in a much clearer way. And even if I feel different a bit about my gender through periods of time, I'd hardly call that fluid. I came up in my exploration I was agender, then bigender, then greygender which felt just right until it too felt not enough, like not my most precise truest self, like still holding back from something. And here come the possible TOCD maybe being the driving force behind at least some of this, complete with intrusive thoughts. Are they the symptom of some true self pleas for coming out and taking her place more and more (like that locked up Jax in the Amazing Digital Circus ep 9)? Insecurities with myself? A TOCD that just can't be satisfied and will keep always pushing for more no matter what? Leftovers of a past obsession with gender transformation fiction/animation that left most of the time a bad taste in my mouth? Internalized transphobia embarassing me? I just don't know anymore, it's burning me out, I don't know what to do. Trying out anti-androgens could be an idea to test but how in the world do I do that when I live with my mom and not have her ask questions for why talk to a doctor and why take those without some discussion I do not want that'll 100% lead to being asked if I'm trans. I can't, I just can't, just thinking about it up my anxiety even more. These by the way always come by waves of doing great and fine with my gender and then peaks of the opposite with some depression because why not. I think deep down I just want some certainty and ability to just get it in a way that feels emotionally satisfying, maybe that's why all the possible answers feel a bit relieving for me? And if I was trans, why would there be so much fear and so little of the usual signs?

Thank you to anyone reading this or answering with what they know or their stories, it really helped me to write this, sorry if I bothered someone, I didn't mean to. Wishing a good day to everyone.

I just think this human artist is neat and should be more known. It's everything I love about Frutiger Aero music, and so will probably you too.

To see the wholesome hidden side to Florida Man

What is the track name that plays in the main Ecco website? From what game and version is it? The Sega CD version I presume? I haven't played the Ecco games enough to remember. It's so beautiful.