Feeling Too Much
I wish I didn’t notice everything. I wish I didn’t notice the shift in people’s tone, eye movement, slight hesitation. I wish I could just exist in a room without observing every single unspoken thought or deep breath. Every tension, or every crack in the foundation of the conversation. But, I can’t and it’s exhausting. My mind is constantly analyzing and preparing for what might go wrong even when it doesn’t. My body is constantly preparing for a war that is called life. I am jealous of people who don’t think or can’t feel everything so deeply. I am jealous of those that can just leave a conversation where it ended. I am jealous of those who don’t remember every thought that truly should not be remembered. Sometimes I feel that life is for those who don’t feel everything and I am jealous. I pick up on small changes in facial expressions when they answer disingenuously. Or when topic of conversation changes immediately when I try to open up to someone without giving my openness any consideration. After 42 years of my existence, I have finally realized my place in people’s lives and it’s not in theirs or even close.