Sex was bad first meeting, don’t know if I can go on (29F 28M)
Tl;Dr: first meeting sex didn’t go well due to his nerves and I’m questioning compatibility but don’t know if I’m being unfair 😭
Hiiii. So I had an online friendship of several years rekindle into a relationship this year (since March) and I used to be over the moon. He’s the biggest sweetheart and showers me with adoration since we’ve been together. Right now we’re separated by over 2,000 miles in neighboring countries so it’s expensive to get together (forgive some vagueness, I introduced him to Reddit lol so I’m paranoid). I’m about to go to university for 4 years in a country much further away, so that’s about to intensify.
A bit about us, I’ve had a series of monogamous relationships throughout my twenties that didn’t work out but I learned a lot each time and grew from them. He hasn’t dated at all since his early twenties since his early experiences left him a bit traumatized and avoidant of love. Thus, we have a large experience gap and he considers me his first love.
We finally met last month for 10 days and while we had a lot of fun together, the sex did not pop off like we hoped. He could not stay up long enough to be in me any longer than a minute the whole ten days. He told me he felt confused because he loved me so much, he hadn’t been treating his body well in the lead-up trying to lose weight before meeting me, and didn’t convey how nervous he really was before the visit. He also told me that since we got together he went from relieving himself only a few times a month to twice a day, and the sensation from his hand was way different.
For me it really felt like being dropped from a high place when we couldn’t do it. We were very eager with each other over text, photos, video call, all that. I couldn’t wait to bond with him like this. For me it’s an important component of that “crazy for you” feeling I thought would carry me through big gaps in seeing each other. I mean I’ve been hung up before on a dude who gave me ONE good night for a YEAR because my hormones go so crazy.
Now it’s like a month and a half before he’ll see me again for the last time before my BIG move and I feel crazy with anxiety about what if it doesn’t work again. I’m supposed to be saving my money for college but I’m looking at plane tickets two weeks from now like a fiend because I want to know sooner. He’s said since the visit he’s much calmer, taking better care of himself, and feels it will be much different. Since he got back though we’ve had no sexy talk basically as I think we’re scared of over-fantasizing like last time and building expectations up—but I can’t lie, I have needs.
Just wondering if anyone has any advice for me in approaching this without piling on pressure. I did have to tell him honestly that if it doesn’t improve next time, my love for him is at risk of slipping into a platonic place again. Sex is that glue for me, especially at the start of a relationship and for long distance, I need to feel confident I’m gonna get my cup refilled with every visit. I don’t know if our experience gap is too great for it to work like that. Help!
Edit: Okayyy yeah I get it I said the worst thing 😭 This is my first relationship I started without meeting and banging someone FIRST so it’s a little jarring. Please help me understand how to reframe my mind and where to go from here.