Sole parents: once your child/children reached adult age, did you find yourself angry with the uninvolved parent for their lack of involvement and support, and if so, how were you able to move past this?
Context:
My child has recently reached adult age and finished high school. I have been a sole single parent as the other parent left when our child was a toddler and I did not force the issue through the courts. They didn’t want to be involved and for our safety/stability this was sadly our better option. They had long struggled with their mental health and addictions, had been very inconsistent, and would become quite violent during low periods.
While I was initially upset with them and their choices, the busy pace of sole parenthood quickly overtook those feelings. I later worked through them in therapy, amongst other things. When our child grew and began asking questions, I explained that their other parent was not a bad person, but had made some unfortunate choices and was unable to be present as a parent. In the past year, we discussed it in further detail, the mental health and addictions, and with this understanding our child does not harbour any ill feelings towards their other parent. It was important to me that our child not grow up with a negative image of their other parent, 1. because it’s not okay to subject a child to that, and 2. because they could ultimately work past their struggles and eventually have a relationship with our child. It would not be fair to my child to taint their view of their other parent and thus taint any possible relationship they could eventually have.
With our child now reaching adulthood, I often reflect on their childhood, what I’ve learned, what I could have done differently, and other things. But I also suddenly find myself quite angry with the other parent for not being there. Our child is grown and they had nothing to do with it! They weren’t up with a sick kid in the middle of the night, they didn’t struggle to juggle work and school and childcare, they weren’t there for the numerous doctors appointments, nor the month long hospital admission, the school concerts, the field trips, the extra-curriculars, speech/physical/occupational therapies, the move to a private school, the countless hours spent volunteering, and they certainly didn’t help financially with any of it!
I did not take them to court. I did not ask a judge to ensure support. I did not force the notion that they should be involved. I know all of this, and to this day I stand behind that choice.
But quite frankly, I don’t think I should have had to. Had they wanted to be involved, they could have at any point in the last 18 years done SOMETHING in the realm of trying, reaching out, shit take ME to court for it. ANYTHING. But they did nothing, and had no repercussions for it.
Now I sit with an anger that part of me thinks is irrational and maybe unfair, but also entirely justified and deserving of some sort of justice. I don’t really know what to do with these feelings and I wonder if anyone else has experienced this and how they moved past it.