Wanting to reconnect with Native American ancestry but feeling like a fraud
I apologize if this is long. Also I really hope this doesn't violate any of the thread rules (esp. No 10. I am not looking for "permission" per se, I am more asking for perspectives).
Basically… I was born and grew up in a European country. More than half of my family is European, but my Dad’s Dad was a U.S. Citizen and my Dad holds dual citizenship.
My Dad was also born in Europe, but lived almost his entire first decade in the US. When he came back to Europe, he kind discontinued his native tongue (English), and so none of his children were raised bilingual (we learned English in school).
There were always stories floating around about this or that great grandfather being a native American, but it was hard to find out anything before the internet, and sometimes this tribe was mentioned, sometimes another one. All this to say: There is an entire side of the family that lives far away and we have little contact with for several reasons (none of them being that we or they wouldn't want to).
Anyhow, I have done some Geneology and have discovered, that there I have several direct ancestors appearing on the Dawes Rolls and other documentation points to the legitimacy of the connection (as opposed to signs that someone would have paid to appear on there, I am aware of that possibility). My 2nd great grandfather was enrolled as Creek, whereas his father was Creek (had a white father, Native American mother) and his mother Cherokee (with both parents Cherokee, this is my 3rd grandmother). There is quite a lot documentation about their connection on paper, but I know little to nothing about the way they practiced their culture (or whether my 3rd. Grandmother even ever lived on Cherokee Land or only on Muscogee Land), if they ever did from where I am in the records at this point.
Somewhere in the 1920s, my 2^(nd) great grandfather migrated to California, where the remaining part of my family still lives today.
From what I know, there was no actual connection to or practice of their native culture from then on. To me it seems like it was not even really talked about, more like a hush hush thing. I chalked this up to being in a majority white environment.
Ok, so here is my thing.
I never really felt connected to the European part of my family. Now that I am grown I can see some connections and traits, but they never felt like “my people”, or like I belonged to them (as in sharing many traits in character or looks etc).
We never travelled to the US when I was a child. My Dad did visit there two or three times, one of his relatives came to see us twice, but we never had the money to visit regularly and they also never really had very much contact (everybody trying to survive I guess, also it was the early days of the internet). Anyways, I had never made it to the US myself until I was 20 years old. When my Dad’s relative that came to see us saw me for the first time, they said I look very much like someone from their family. This was the first time I ever was … idk recognized by someone as having their features etc. Long story short: Everytime I interacted with that part of the family I had a much stronger feeling of connection and belonging. Some time ago I had this realization, that I have been disconnected from a huge part of my family, from “my people“ basically, and that there has been a huge part missing in my life.
Since getting into genealogy, and learning about my 3^(rd) great grandmother, I have been feeling the strong urge to explore more about her and the Cherokee culture, by which I mean I want to know her language, I want to know about her situation (I want to know these things about the Creek family members too, but somehow I’m feeling particularly connected to that 3rd grandmother as a starting point).
The thing is, I feel like a fraud. I am super sad about all of the … I only know how to describe it as displacement. Me feeling displaced from the part of my family that recognizes me as theirs. My Dad being displaced from his first language and his entire relatives from his childhood on. My great grandmother apparently assimilating and not even enrolling anymore, seemingly not talking about her heritage or engaging in it. My ancestors having lost their connection to their culture it appears, having been already colonized for hundreds of years when records even start. Removal, etc. And I am sad and angry about how native Americans are treated today and the state of the world in late stage capitalism.
I don’t want to intrude. I feel ridiculous for wanting to reconnect, even pretentious maybe. I fear being considered a pretendian (which is only partly about wanting to find connection and more about not wanting to act as a pretendian, because I don’t want to hurt anybody).
I am incredibly pale and grew up with white privilege. I don’t even live on Turtle Island and certainly have no financial means to travel there regularly in order to visit the lands (which I really really would love to do). My other side of the family has the history of being part of the supremacists in the country where I live. I know quite a bit about this part of the family and have been growing up with many relatives from this side. I know there is some belonging there. These are my ancestors aswell and I am not trying to act like they aren’t. I am working on decolonizing my mind.
I think I feel so ridiculous for wanting to reconnect, because I haven grown up with white privilege and am so far away.
**!!**Please know that I am not looking to gain anything from any tribe my ancestors have belonged to. If I would ever consider enrolling it would be purely out of searching belonging, not in any way to receive any services or financial help. If anything, I’d like to contribute what I can. I would also never ever want to speak for anyone or as a “member” of any tribe – I have read in many places that that can be a concern. !!
And still I feel ridiculous being so far away, yet deeply wanting to reconnect. I also feel ridiculous because I have grown up in a culture and still am in a culture that is in general very nonchalant about cultural appropriation and calls is appreciation. My concern is that I could have a blind spot there.
tl;dr I have been super disconnected from my native ancestry and would like to reconnect. I really don’t want to intrude, or be a pretendian. I don’t want to take away anything from the tribes my ancestors once belonged to and don’t want to contribute to decentering their issues and stories. I really want to learn to speak the languages they likely spoke before they spoke English (starting with Tsalagi, eventually Mvskoke), learn more about Cherokee and Creek history and culture and I would love to learn from Native Americans associated with these tribes. More importantly: I don’t want to be disrespectful or contribute to the hurt that Native Americans.
Thoughts? Is it indeed ridiculous wanting to reconnect? Is it giving „my grandmother was a Cherokee princess“? Am I being unintentionally disrespectful or hurtful?
Any recommendations for books or other media? I have many sources collected, I know about many websites with ressources and book lists. I would love to hear about your personal recommendations for media/books that come from a Native persective.
Thank you so much!
(wanted to write „osiyo“ in the beginning and „wado“ in the end but felt weird again. Would that come across weird for you?)