u/Silent-River-

My N mother had completely cut me off from her family so I don’t know anyone from her side. She said that her family was HER family. I had very little contact with my father’s side and any time I went anywhere she made accusations that I had colluded with the enemy. Over the years I had gone to several family reunions and couple of weddings on my father’s side. But I just couldn’t relate with any of them. I just wasn’t comfortable. But I did like to see few of them and really wished I could be part of the cousin groups. I always felt I was getting dirty looks but told that that’s just how it was. Anywhere I ever went, no one would say hello to me, unless I walked up to them and said hello. And few times people wouldn’t even say hello back. The last wedding I went to , I couldn’t believe the horrible vibes I was getting from most of them. I thought it was my imagination. Then my uncle’s wife comes up to me and says that she had received an awful call from my mother who said horrible things about me and she didn’t know who to believe. I do know that anytime there would be an event my mother would cause such a commotion that I didn’t want to go. Even for my graduation she started a fight with my father so she could say, just for that, I am not going to the graduation. And of course, I had no wedding. My mother always, without exception, would make phone calls to as many people as possible before any event. Basically, she would pee in any pool before I could go swim in it . She has poisoned everyone against me, so I have no one except my daughter’s and we have gone no contact with her. I have declined going to the next family reunion. But I got a couple of calls from two cousins guilting me for not wanting to go. The truth is that I so badly do want to go. But I just can’t get myself to do it and get more judgmental looks and those questions about my mother. How do you all handle family reunions? How do you handle the ugly looks? Do you even get to try to say what is really happening? Just this week, my sister-in-law died from cancer. I really wished I could have been friends with her, but no, my mother had also called and continues to call my husband’s family and relatives and made everyone lose respect for him as well, even though they all say that my mother is mentally ill. Please advise.

My mother was the worst narcissist possible. Very actively sabotaged my life in every way. Sometimes I would break down and cry and ask my father to please do something. But he would just say it’s OK it’s gonna get better next month.. everything always gets better. But the abuse continued. My father was hard on hearing and he was always at work. I don’t think he saw the worst of it because my mother was pretty manipulative and secretive. Her worst, screaming, and emotional torture was when he’s not home. He was the only one that cared about me. A couple of times he had said something like you’re like this because you don’t have a mother. So he must’ve known how bad it was for me. He was also hard on hearing. He would just turn off his hearing aid or he had selective hearing. I know my father actually did want the best for me. And I am fully aware that my mother truly wanted the worst for me. Now that I am way up there in age I keep wondering was there anything more my father could’ve done? My parents were from the Middle East in the old ages. So it seems like he didn’t care about a girl’s opinion and always thought women were all crazy. He thought a girl doesn’t need to learn anything as long as she marries a good man. And he wanted me to go to places to meet good men. But my mother would destroy those relationships and actually fix me up with the worst man possible. And my father didn’t know how much control she had over the phone. In those days, it was the landline only. So we were fully controlled. These days I am thinking why didn’t my father do anything? Was there anything he could have done? I truly loved my father. He’s been dead for 15 years. But now all the why why why questions are in my head. What do you guys think of that nice parent or enabler or whatever you wanna call him? What do you think the good parent could’ve done to help you?

Growing up, my mother constantly bad mouthed all relatives. She never said anything good about them. If I was invited to any relative’s home, she would go nuts til the day of the invite, or scream and say that I had teamed with the evil people against her. Oddly, the only places she wanted me to attend were funerals. After I eloped, she called all my husband’s family to start fights and even spoke ill of my own father to them. She managed to make my in laws have no respect for me. If any relatives had a wedding and invited me , she would call the host, and the host would call me to disinvite me. None of the relatives ever considered the fact that I hadn’t even spoken to them before deciding to do what mother wanted. She even caused us siblings to separate. She had said that her family was HER family, not mine. She has also said that when she is with me, people will look at me instead of her. Basically, she erased me.