My Mom Hates Me and I Don't Know What to Do (Vent and request for help)
Hello everyone. I'm brand new to Reddit and hoping for some help because I have no idea how to exist with this at the moment. This is really long, I'm so sorry. I apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes. I'm really distraught.
Brief context: I'm 19, married to a wonderful woman (19, turning 20 soon), disabled, and living with my in-laws. I have a long medical history and a lot of mental health concerns, but we're struggling with insurance and money. My issue is with my mother (F38), very disabled.
I moved in with my wife's family in December. It's been a bit rough but we're figuring that all out. My mom REALLY pushed for us to move to my in-laws'. To the point I consider it being pushed out and pushed to make the decision. It's all she would talk about.
In April, my mom moved my stuff out of my room at her house. I gave her permission to pack up my stuff and maybe organize it so it would be easier to collect at a later date. Instead, my mom moved everything out of my room and into the little under-the-stairs alcove by my room without asking or telling me. She then gave my little sister the alcove as her space(?), still without telling or asking me. A lot of mine and my wife's belongings have actually gone entirely missing. When I came down to visit but mostly get some more of my belongings, she got really upset that I crossed a boundary. The boundary was going in her room without asking (related to trauma). She moved into mine and my wife's room without telling us and displaced all my things, then got mad at me for going in her room without knowing. I think she really shouldn't have chosen that room, since it's in the basement and she severely struggles with the stairs. I did my best to forgive and forget after she sent a giant wall of text telling me off. She briefly blocked me on Facebook, which is where we primarily communicate.
Present day issue: I have a hearing aid for my right ear. My left ear isn't great either, but not enough for a second hearing aid. This device was bought by the man who raised me, J. I don't consider him my father and we've been no-contact for over a year. My hearing aid has been having issues, so I cannot use it. I have warranty papers for repairs or replacement, but I can't look at the terms of the warranty without the papers. The papers are at my mom's, and likely got misplaced. I asked her on June 21st to see if she could look for those papers because I need a functioning hearing aid. She ignored me for a few days. I asked again, yesterday at 10:30 AM (June 28th).
She sends me a massive wall of text calling me manipulative and rude, saying she won't be my servant anymore, claiming I only contact her when I need something. I'll try to attach the screenshots.
Where I might be a bit of an A-hole is that's kind of true, and kind of what she told me to do? She told me to come to her with my problems because a mother is supposed to help their child navigate life. I've been doing that. Telling her when things are going wrong and I need help or advice. I don't really share the "okay" moments because she doesn't acknowledge them. She'll just overshadow with how she's in the ER again, or how she's hurting, or how some not-great thing happened. She's offered to pick me up for a week or three to help after I present an issue, but I frankly can't go back there. After the disrespect of my stuff being displaced, I'm really hurt, and she didn't even apologize. But physically, I just can't handle that house. My mom is a hoarder. She hoards craft projects, cool(?) objects, and animals. They have 11 cats, a flock of chickens and ducks, just got a second dog, AND just got rabbits. There's three full-time kids (two separate marriages), plus one part-time kid living there too. I understand wanting to care for animals in need, but they can't even pay their incredibly low house mortgage. When I lived there, I worked part-time and most of my paycheck went to that mortgage. I did so willingly but deeply regret it now. My wife was essentially her live-in chauffeur, and had to drive her 30 minutes into town and back just about every day. She dug into my wife's savings when we lived there, despite my wife not having a job yet. I can't go back there. I've been trying to spare her feelings because she has a lot of trauma and is mentally ill. She can't handle criticism AT ALL. So I've been trying to politely decline going down for my own mental sake, and because me and my wife can't drop her full-time job and my job search, drop a few HUNDRED dollars to drive four hours down, and see her and my little sisters. It's a whole mess she won't really acknowledge.
I don't know what to do. How do cope with this. My mental health is already in the gutter. Since her insurance dropped me (I think she actually removed me because I moved), I haven't been able to get medication that I've always been on for my mental health OR get into therapy. I'm doing really bad. My wife's insurance will cover me in August, but until then, I'm still not doing good. She thinks we can do all that just because she has empty-nest sadness. Me and my wife cannot afford a storage unit like she claims in her text. We are struggling. I'm struggling. She's always been supportive, even when I was an angsty 14-year-old. It feels like my foundation is being ripped out from under me. And the part that hurts the worst is that her husband, R, legally adopted me last July. He's my dad now. He cried happy tears to have me as his kid. And he hasn't said a word. I know he would likely side with my mom and that really breaks me.
So my final question, what do I do? How do I move on from my very foundation being stolen? My best shot for getting my hearing aid warranty info is reconnecting with J, but he did some pretty awful stuff to my oldest younger sister. She almost exited the earth because of it. I want to reconnect because I want to have my own parents, or at the very least one parent, but I'm not sure if that causes issues for my closest sister. I just don't know what to do and how to handle this. My wife wants to cuss my mom out, and I'm very ready to let her.
Thank you for reading. Any and all advice is appreciated.