I’m 25 and I don’t know what it feels like to look forward to being alive
I’m 25 years old and I’ve struggled with depression and anhedonia for as long as I can remember.
I’ve accomplished things in my life. I graduated college with a 4.0 GPA worked a professional job and recently started a master’s program. From the outside I probably looked functional. But inside I’ve spent most of my life feeling like living is an obligation rather than something I actually want to do.
I don’t know what it feels like to genuinely anticipate my future. I can make plans and pursue goals but I can’t meaningfully imagine a future that excites me. Even when I accomplish something the satisfaction is fleeting.
Over the past several weeks, my mental health has deteriorated significantly. I’m considering medically withdrawing from graduate school because I can barely function. I rarely leave my house, struggle to find enjoyment in anything, and spend much of my time in bed.
I’ve thought about relationships, hobbies, traveling, and other things that people typically look forward to. None of them feel particularly appealing anymore. Even when something briefly interests me, I struggle to imagine having the energy to pursue it.
At this point, alcohol or drugs feel like the only reliable way to experience enjoyment. I’m aware of how concerning that is, but knowing that doesn’t make ordinary life any more rewarding.
I know people will recommend therapy and medication. I’m not opposed to treatment. The problem is that I’m struggling so much with basic functioning that I can’t even bring myself to arrange an appointment or ask someone to help me do it.
I experience passive suicidal thoughts regularly. More than anything, I’m exhausted by the idea of spending another year, or another decade, simply enduring existence.
My biggest fear isn’t that I’ll fail professionally or never find a relationship. It’s that I’ll spend my entire life waiting to feel something that never comes.
I’m not necessarily looking for advice about exercise, hobbies, or productivity. I guess I just want to know whether anyone else has experienced this kind of longstanding emptiness, and whether life ever became something they genuinely wanted to participate in.