I’m just so tired
I’m 32 and on my second marriage. Like everything else, it was going great…until it wasn’t.
I’ve struggled with alcoholism and it has done serious damage to my relationship. I was diagnosed with BPD a year ago, although I knew for a while that was likely what I struggled with. I have my bachelors in psychology and am so self aware that it hurts. I finally feel like I’m at a place where I can do better, but my marriage is just falling apart.
My spouse and I are going through bankruptcy and fell behind on those payments last year after she broke her leg and lost her job a few months later. We both have jobs we are happy with and make enough to get by, but one of our cars just bit the dust and we have no way of getting a new one in the foreseeable future.
I know where I’ve messed up and I’m so beyond thankful that my wife has stayed by my side through my darkest moments, but I know she doesn’t love me anymore. She tells me all the time she has to be high to tolerate being around me and intentionally stays busy to avoid being around me. Whenever I am struggling and overwhelmed, she gets mad and tells me I shouldn’t need her to “tell me what to do” and trying to communicate is like pulling teeth. She says the entirety of our 7 year relationship has been bad, but gets mad at me when I suggest a divorce.
I know I’m just rambling and none of this matters to anyone, but I’m so tired of feeling so alone all the time. Every day I’m told how undeserving of love I am, but I’m also a bad person if I want to end the relationship. I have no car or money or place to go to get away. At this point I have no concept over what feelings are valid and when it’s the BPD brain kicking in. I love my wife, but our life is so messy right now it’s hard to have faith that things can be better. She said she’s open to therapy with me, but there’s always an excuse about money and time and schedules.
I try to keep my head down and just do what needs done each day, but then she’s mad that I’m not affectionate. But how am I supposed to be affectionate when she tells me how much she hates being with me constantly?