u/Similar-Butterfly897

Today i had my son & i was struggling bad ... he was crying for hours & hours non stop . I tried to figure out what was wrong he didn't seem hurt or sick i gave him snacks put on his shows gave him juice a bath everything... he was still crying after awhile i tried to lock myself in my room because i couldn't take it anymore. He literally wanted to sit next to me and just scream in my ears & when i tried to walk away a moment he would follow me. I ended up locking myself in the bathroom (he some how broke the door handle in my room) i got on the phone with my mom about how overwhelmed his screaming was and i started to have my own meltdown & i said something really mean im afraid to say ... but i told i wish i had a ab0rt!on . I know it was terrible and im sure he didn't hear me i really didn't mean it but this is really freaking hard & i do wish i just was not a mom sometimes. I love him to death i want the best for him but on the hard days i want to run away.

I feel like i am completely losing grip of my life . I feel so hopeless and drained . I never felt like i can be my sons mom . This is so extremely hard and i feel like a evil monster because i am failing so badly at this and my own mental health has been in the drain . I have help from his dad and dads family but they are all i have and i still feel overwhelmed all the time i feel tired i feel like i cant survive this and i dont where else to turn . I have been on countless meds and i did therapy nothing takes away this feeling that i am not able to raise my child and it could be my anxiety talking but i am convinced i will forever be punished by the universe because i am not a good mom . I love my son i dont want anything to happen to him ever and i want him to have a good childhood and im ruining that because im not a good mom and he deserves a better one than me. I feel like i just cant cope with having a special needs child and i dont have anyone to talk to about this that understands what i mean and I what im going through. I dont know how to live the rest of my life like this im so done with everything.