I'm fucking done with getting rid of my selfharm
I know this message will probably be deleted given its content, and ts is why I use a throw-away account.
I've been stuck in a cycle of SH since multiple years. I've never actually been able to get rid of it, despite my efforts, and I've been doing impulsive and dangerous acts out of instantaneous stress/frustration. I was tired by all the hiding and the shame and the "What am I doing, I have to stop!" circus. And despite always thinking "No, this is bad, self harm is bad, you should'nt do it" I couldn't restrain my movement from harming myself.
I tried talking to close ones, because "talking about it" is the primary advice people always give. But let's face it, it's very naive vision of things. People are not infinitely kind and patient, if you complain too much, and show them too much of your problems, they'll tell you to fuck off while therapy requires time and money I don't have. And from my personal experience, having to regularly attend therapy can be a source stress by itself.
Anyway, after so much time and so many relapses, I've come to my own conclusion : I've accepted my SH as part of my life from now on. It'll never "heal", it'll never disappear. It'll just be there, as a part of my functioning, no matter what people think of my decision. And god, god, GOD knows I've been feeling so much better since I've made that decision.
I'm not ashamed anymore, since I've accepted SH as part of me. I don't feel post-SH guilt, because I've acknowledged it does make me feel better, and admitted it does help me regulate my mood. When I'm too stressed, angry, sad, when I feel an overwhelming feeling that prevents me from working, or that is socially not acceptable, I have a way to quickly get rid of it so that I stay in some acceptable state, whether it's for focusing on a given task or avoid social exclusion.
Strangely, realizing I won't have exterior help somehow gave me hope. Because now, instead of being obsessed with conforming to a "non self-harmer" lifestyle, I can instead use it to get through life.
I understood that when my close ones told me to stop SH while crashing out on me when I try to talk about my problems than self-harming, they are more worried about me conforming to social norms than my actual pain. They don't especially care about me being alright, they just don't want to see "ugly scars", or know that I "mutilate my body". As long as I they don't see my pain, they're fine with it. And I mean, I'm human, I'm a social creature, I can't live in eternal loneliness. What I can do, however, is find a way to feel better without making them live a negative experience. That's what I've done.
Tbh, I'm not angry at people because they don't want to hear me rant all day long. I'm mad at them because they tell me they can be a shoulder to cry on just to reject you when trying to seek comfort. I'm fine with people not wanting to comfort me or take my pain, but be honest then, be straightforward. Just say "I don't want to hear about your problems, if you want to complain about something, don't do it with me". And I'll be fine with it, as long as those same people acknowledge I still need something to manage my mood, and don't interfere with my SH. "I don't care about your well-being, but don't SH" is just imposing a standard, not giving actual help. Listen, if you don't want to hear about my problems, that's okay, but then don't order me around like you actually care, stop pretending.
Now that I have this new mindset, I'm not trying to stop SH anymore, I'm seeking people that'll understand my way of functioning and let SH when I need to, because excepting them to tank all my negative emotions is unrealistic. As long as they don't have to see my sessions or my injuries, they don't get to be mad at me, in my opinion, because that's the best I can do to stay in an acceptable state while not being a burden to them.
I don't want to be healed anymore, because I never will, I want to be understood.