u/Simple_Philosophy215

Yesterday was strange. Went to work, ate a bit of my lunch whicj totaled ~490 kcals i was planning to only have that. But then i had a few other things that totaled 1.1k kcals. Still under my limit of 1.4k i had.

But still. Even after the balanced things i ate, i ""P'd" (Not the best censor ik lol). It was strange. In that moment i realized it had developed to some compulsion and not a compulsory action.

. Its so fucked up to say, i know.

Its not fun. I am completely fucking aware.

But i restrict, i eat below 500c. I restrict. Binge until my stomach is straining.

I actually got happy today because i noticed how little i have to eat to get full.

Means smaller binges.

They dont go over 1700k anymore. Yay.

But dear god i wish i had a terrible fear of food. I wish i was obsessive. I wish my body was repulsed. I want someone to tell me how. I want someonw to coach me. Its fucked up i am aware.

But im tired of being fat, man.

Im so fucning sick of it.

I hate barfing into a bag and sneaking it out of my room.

I hate that i did it at my friends house just because i dared to let myself eat the great meal they prepared.

Please just give me what i want.

I want it. AN.