u/SkylarLily

I have a lot more confounding factors and a super long psychiatric and theraputic history that I'll briefly touch on because im not so much looking for individualized advice and more just experience around something that might be going on with me.

Been changed around from schizoaffective, to more like pstd dpdr and bpd psychotic confounds. dpdr i know is argued to maybe be a type of psychosis, but i def have had a hard time separating when heavily derealized, or moving back to baseline. still a very subjectively different form atleast.

I def have some of those more lower case psychotic disorders. but also certianly on the bipolar spectrum. been in BPI to Unspecified limbo. i certainly have psychosis that is so very characteristic of the flavour that bipolar gives, and the lead up from hypo subjectively and objectively with sleep appetite etc lines up. can get to 1 hr a night refreshed multiple days. had more visual hallucinations before, left with mostly just rare auditory and more basic perceptual disturbances, thinking can get super disorganized, very tangential sideways kinda stuff.

I haven't been hospitalized, but i know i could have been checked in and benefited, i have been able to quash it with at home prn SGA's. been in PHP outpatient when it was just constant wackamole when i needed a hard reset ever 3 days for a month and a half with prn, SGA, lorazepam, and maybe an additional sleep aide. i seem to manage under psychosis partly due to past experiences with heavy psychedelic doses not use, but i can kinda just have some understanding im altered and it wasn't this way before, and it feels so real but i can kinda do double bookkeeping i think, where i act based on previous knowledge of what it was like. i also usually just default to sitting on my hands so to speak while i wait out and throw meds at myself.

I tend to get the furthest from weed now, the tiniest doses, i stay away from that. but also lowest does psychiatic medications will ramp me up and up and up. sertraline day two to 2 weeks was just immediate day by day feeling more and more like an overwhelming psuedo mdma lsd trip. it normalized, but it would go hard depression to hypo to mania if i missed a dose, and then had that ramp up after taking it the next day from that tiny fluctuation. amphetamines like vyvanse jump me up a level temporarily, like depression to euthymia etc. and i nearly always get a very euphoric tweaky 1.5hrs on my vyvanse that hasn't gone away after years. I tolerate psychedelics relatively well. usually a little more elevated and leaning mania than the typical psychomemetic experience. with a handful of days of hypomania proceeding and decreasing. also do this rarely.

Lamotrigine was the one that threw me. after 50mg all the increases kept me going up and up for a couple months where i really had to put the medicated brakes on every few days. and stop my amphetamines when i got a hint of it going to far. weirdly enough daily asenapine got me feeling elevated by the end of most days, which i started after lamotrigine persisted to elevate me. now that im off of it and just on a stable high dose of it. it seems like im more stable day to day. even working back to back 5 16 hour shifts weeks in a row with little sleep like 3-6 hrs a night. just when i miss a dose and get back on next day i get that massive depression, then decent hypo.

It feels like I'm a light BP I or a heavy BP II that mostly gets up there with low dose ssri's and weirdly lamotrigine. and temp with psychedelics.

any experience with something like this middle ground?