I just need to get it out, gather some emphaty cuz irl ppl cant gimme that
It's been a rough week. People just keep disappointing me constantly when I needed some support the most. I do have one support figure, who is my mom, but as most of you probably know, it's not a really healthy dynamic.
For the broader context, I started a company about a year ago. Could not hold a job after losing a good one because of the really toxic atmosphere. I was naive when starting the company, thinking that I stumbled upon something cool that I could provide for the market. It was in my field and in line with my skill set. Turns out, being self-employed and not having any networks, my day-to-day duties are to find clients.
You can imagine how hard it is when your whole self-value is based on how you are perceived. And, to say at least, ppl are not interested in my product at all. During the last year, I've managed to sell it to six ppl, while going door to door and sending thousands of emails and messages online.
This month, I have some big yearly payments because of self-employment. Obviously, I can't meet it - I have no income, living with my parents and all that loser stuff. I had a potential client that I was talking to for months now, and he just told me he is not interested anymore.
But I am fighting, you know? I've been applying for some freelance stuff. I had this convo on Fiverr and got a task to do. It was a really cool opportunity, so I did my best, and honestly, I was proud of the result. I did more than they asked me and, in my opinion, it was some quality stuff. It's been three days now since I sent it, with no reply.
I also have a friend living nearby. She and her mom own a very successful restaurant here. We were talking about me providing some value to her place for weeks now. To the point when I offered her to do it literally for free, because I thought this place would look good in my portfolio. She's not interested even now. I won't beg, I'm just shooked and disappointed.
AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT. I've decided to give therapy another chance. It's always a struggle since it's so expensive and hard to find a good one. But I thought I did - he's a scholar and has all the certificates and stuff. So I signed in for Wednesday (today), really looking forward to talking to someone about all that, to get some understanding of my situation. I do not have any social circles; I mostly just talk with mom.
They asked me to fill out the form before therapy; it was like an hour-long questionnaire where I was honest to the bone about my struggle and need for urgent help. I've been reading "I hate you, don't leave me" for the past few days to be better prepared for the conversation. Looking forward to this meeting has helped me survive the past few days. And 2 hours before the time of the meeting, I got a call - not even from the doctor himself - telling me he got sick and he cannot meet me for an ONLINE session.
No wonder I am addicted to the screen and parasocial relationships, since I could not find any compassion irl. I just feel so directionless right now. I was getting somewhat optimistic and productive, and after getting that call, everything collapsed.
Thank you if you read all that, and if you wanna reach out and just talk for a while, I would love that. Getting BPD recognised was actually a big relief, suddenly having the knowledge to name many of my day-to-day actions, not just feeling like a piece of shit lazy loser.
Anyone struggling, I get you, men. Stay strong.