Feeling hopeless & alone
I keep thinking I’m figuring it out and feeling ok, then life slaps me on the face again. Sorry if my thoughts and ranting doesn’t seem cohesive.
Short back story: 45f Husband left in February me for someone else after 26 years of marriage. He had been seeing her for “6 months” before I found her underwear in my laundry.
We are separated but he’s still helping and paying for everything until we sell the house. It feels like he’s really dragging his feet on it. Financially it’s good for me, but starting to be emotionally draining. He also has told no one, so to the outside world he still has his happy life, and then he has his new happy “secret” life. Some days I think I’m just going to go tell everyone, but I also don’t want all the pity from everyone, so I’m in limbo with myself there.
This past week he said he would be out of state for a few days because her brother died in a car wreck. The next day I woke up with chest and back pains and ended up taking myself to the ER. (Costochondritis apparently)
We have no kids, my only family is my Mother, who is terrible and only makes everything worse, so I didn’t tell her. I really have tried with her but she’s only concerned about herself & makes everything about herself . When I told her we were separating she asked If one of us found someone. I said yes he did. She said she thought it would have been me, but as long as he’s happy then she’s happy for him. He does a lot of work fixing things around her house and she doesn’t want to jeopardize her free labor.
I almost texted him about the ER but thought what was the point, not like he’s going to leave her and come sit with me.
So I was alone in the ER and thought, well, this is my life.
I’m going to die alone and in pain with no one to love me & nothing to look forward to.
I’ve never been one to burn things to the ground when they go sideways but sometimes that’s what I feel like I need to do, but that scares me. I’m also exhausted. If I could afford to leave my job I might move farther away but I can’t do that either.
I feel like I’m being a whiny baby, but when does the despair eventually pass?