Feel free to remove if this violates rule 6, I am admittedly unsure.
The official downloads for this mod were all removed, but from what I was told online communities tend to try to maintain these downloads, so I was hoping I could find it through here perhaps? Again I apologize if this is a violation in any regard and I understand if the post has to be taken down.
TW for passive suicidal ideation. This will probably be an extremely long post and I would like to clarify that support is welcome even if seeking it isn't my priority.
I've never been more exhausted in my life. Physically, mentally and emotionally. The extreme constant state of hyperarousal, being forced to stand back and watch the people that I love that are sick constantly wither away be it mentally or physically, being in a genuinely neverending state of fight or flight, the intense hyper-empathy that leaves me perpetually feeling useless when I have to accept that a situation that is beyond my control, the self-judgment that I am not deserving of that same empathy because things would have never gotten this bad if I had sought help when I first knew that I needed it and stayed on my medication once i did seek it rather than being wishy washy and avoidant.
I hate myself. I genuinely do. I hate my physical inactivity. I hate my avoidance. I hate my self destructive pattern of refusal to seek help. I hate my refusal to talk to people that want to be here for me. At the same time I hate talking to people that want to be here for me because I don't want them to have to feel the way that I do. I don't want them to know this feeling. I don't want them to be able to relate.
It's gotten to the point where I have become aware of the fact that I am trapped in an eternal state of fight or flight. Which should feel like a positive thing I think, self awareness is key. But it doesn't. The stress caused by this awareness has begun to make me feel dizzy and confused, unable to piece together thought and often finding myself repeating sentences even one space down from where I already said the same thing. Experiencing near perpetual headaches that often grow into gradually more severe migraines, though that is also linked somewhat to my physical health.
I am constantly in pain. Genuinely constant. Be it chest pains, headaches, or feelings of intense heartbreak and worry I am offered absolutely no reprieve whatsoever. I stay sleepy all the time.
I have no desire to harm myself, I want to make that clear. But just as the title of this post says, I am not here because of a desire to be here, I am here because of an obligation to be here. I would give anything for a means of escaping this feeling beyond unhealthy self medication. I would give anything for just a glance at freedom from the life that has been forced upon me.
I want it to be my fault. I want it to be because of me that my friends suffer. I want it to be because of me that I suffer. If it's my fault, then I have something I can do about it. I have some small fragile semblance of control. But it's not, and I don't. That feeling is more heartbreaking than any amount of self blame or self hate I've ever felt in my life.
There is a constant cycle of suicidal ideation both passive and not. It scares me, in all honesty. I don't want to do anything, but for how long will I feel that way before something snaps? I wish I had the answer to that. I wish I had an answer to any of this.
All of this comes at a time when I felt like I was getting better. I thought I was progressing. I thought I was figuring it out and now in a matter of mere days I have shattered like glass every single ounce of that self compassion and progress that I had worked so hard to build. Perhaps a very small portion of that progress lives on, but it's hard to feel like I'm going anywhere when I climb ten steps only to collapse completely and fall back down nine of those steps time and time and time again. It feels like at the rate that I'm 'progressing' that it's hard to call it progress at all. I'm in my late twenties and at the rate that I'm going I'll be in my sixties before I feel even a shred of safety.
I am seeking therapy in spite of all of this. I do want to get better. But I don't have the energy to try any more. I have had to hand over the reigns entirely to a friend of mine and ask them to push or otherwise force me to get the help I need. She does everything for me. She makes my appointments, she helps me maintain hygiene, she helps me calm down when I become too panicked to breathe or even think clearly. At the same time as I am profoundly grateful for this I am equally ashamed that I lack the strength to stand on my own two feet.
All I can do at this point is hope. That is the only thing that I have left.