u/SnaccBat

Hi Comforters!

Before I start, yes… I’m apparently an idiot and accidentally deleted my original post while trying to update it, so now I’m reposting the original with the update because I finally have a major update and would love some opinions, advice or even reassurance again. 😭

Original post (edited slightly):

I (28F) am a huge animal lover and over the years I’ve basically become the neighborhood cat lady. I rescue strays, feed them, build shelters for them, and trap/fix as many as I can. One stray cat in particular, kept having litters before I could finally trap her to get her fixed. She used to literally bring me her kittens one by one like she knew I’d take care of them.

I ended up keeping two of her kittens and rehoming the others very carefully (interviews, meet-ups before adoption and regular check-ins) because I’m extremely protective over where they end up. This eventually leads to my brother-in-law, “Jim” (26M).

Jim has always had a weird competitive relationship with my husband “John” (29M). If my husband gets into something, Jim suddenly wants the same thing too and needs to do it better or more extreme.

So when my husband adopted 2 cat years ago, Jim immediately wanted one too and begged me for the next kitten I rescued. I was hesitant because Jim honestly isn’t known for being responsible, but my husband promised he’d help him learn and make sure the cat was cared for. Eventually, I rescued a kitten we’ll call “Tom,” and Jim adopted him.

Fast forward a few years and things slowly became concerning. My husband and I noticed Jim wasn’t properly caring for Tom. Food bowls would be empty, litter boxes filthy, water bowls stale or empty, and Tom spent most of his time attached to my husband instead because he was the one actually caring for him half the time. I live in a different country so eventually after John and I got married, John moved to come live and begin his life with me. So Jim adopted a SECOND kitten despite us telling him it was a bad idea, but he explained since John is taking his cats, Tom will need a friend and there wasn't much we could do to change his mind.

Predictably, it didn’t go well.

Jim suddenly changed careers and started working away from home most of the week. The new kitten started having accidents and behavioral issues from lack of attention, and Jim eventually gave that kitten away to another family member (who adopted him instead of foster because they got attached). Not long after that, my husband and I offered to temporarily take Tom because Jim was barely home anymore. Even Jim’s fiancée admitted she felt bad because she lived an hour away and could only stop in quickly during the week to refill food and water and even that was tough since she worked full time and has a toddler.

The spoken/text agreement was Jim was going to let us keep Tom temporarily for a year and said he’d contribute monthly toward his care. When we first got Tom back, he was terrified and nervous. I believe since he was alone the majority of the time, and already being a skittish cat, the time alone he spent amplified that. He hid under our couch for weeks, panicked and scratched anyone who tried to touch, and was incredibly anxious.

Now he’s a completely different cat. He sleeps curled up between my husband and I every night, follows us around the house crying if he can’t find us, cuddles with our other cats, and has finally started to become affectionate and confident.

The problem is now that Tom is thriving, my husband and I were starting to have doubts about giving him back. It was too soon at this point to bring this up, and Jim can be a combative person at times, so bringing these feelings up would cause war, so we agreed to wait a little while before bringing any of this up.

The first time Jim visited after we’d had Tom for a while, Tom literally wanted nothing to do with him. He bolted under the couch terrified, and Jim got frustrated enough that I had to tell him to stop trying to force him out by moving the couch he was under. The whole visit lasted maybe 15-20mins before Jim casually announced he got a puppy to bring with him on his job.

At that point I finally brought up the idea of us permanently keeping Tom because I genuinely don’t believe uprooting him again would be fair to him and I was also slightly upset at the fact that he got another pet.

Unsurprisingly, Jim immediately said no.

Since then, every time we see him, he makes comments like “when I get Tom back.”

Meanwhile, he still barely asks about him unless were together in a family setting, he doesn't text or call, and when we send pictures he never responds. He has yet to contribute financially.

At this point, my husband and I genuinely believe this stopped being about the cat a long time ago and has more to do with Jim’s competitiveness toward my husband. I’ve started planning to transfer all of his vet care into my name officially and get him microchipped because, in all the years Jim had him, Tom was never even properly kept up with medically a part from his initial kitten check-up and getting him fixed (I was later informed by my husband he went to a cheap place that only charged $70 so I'm not even sure he has his paperwork.)

At this point, It feels like Jim just doesn’t want us to “win.” But at the same time, I know technically Tom was originally “his” cat, and part of me still feels guilty.

So I need outside opinions.

AITA for refusing to give my brother-in-law his cat back?

UPDATE (6mo later):

Hi again, Comforters!

It’s been about 6 months since I last posted regarding this mess. In my last post and with all the help I got from you guys, I mentioned that my husband and I booked a vet appointment for Tom. I’m happy (and honestly relieved) to confirm that we followed through with it right after I made this post.

Over the last few months, I really hunkered down and did my research. In my area, cats aren’t officially “registered” under ownership like dogs are. Ownership is usually shown through things like vet records, microchipping, and proof of care/payment. I contacted a vet friend who confirmed all of this for me, and shortly after my original post, we got Tom microchipped under our names. We also got him fully caught up on his booster shots and yearly check-up since my BIL hadn’t followed through on any of that.

Since then, my husband and I made the calculated decision to keep our mouths shut regarding Tom around Jim and his family. Part of us hoped that maybe, with time, emotions would settle and Jim would eventually realize that ripping Tom away from the environment and home he’s comfortable in wouldn’t actually be in the cat’s best interest.

It’s now been almost a full year, which was supposedly the original timeline for us “fostering” Tom. During that entire time, we received no money or contributions toward Tom’s care, no calls or messages checking on him, and no real involvement in his life at all. I’ve been documenting all of this.

Well… a few weeks ago, shit finally hit the fan.

I mentioned in my original post that Jim changed careers and is gone throughout the week now, while his fiancée lives an hour away with her child. Up until recently, I genuinely thought she was a very kind and reasonable person. When we first brought up potentially keeping Tom, she told me she had never owned cats before and that she would talk to Jim about everything. Keep that in mind for later.

A few weeks ago, we all went camping together with my FIL, his partner, and Jim’s family. At one point while setting up the campground, Jim’s fiancée casually asked how the cats were doing (Jim wasn't around). My husband kept the answer short and polite and just said they were all doing well. She then mentioned that Jim had talked about wanting another cat once they buy a house next year. My husband asked, “Does this mean Jim is okay with us keeping Tom?” And she responded with something along the lines of, “That’s a conversation for Jim.”

I have really bad social anxiety, and unfortunately one of the things I do when nervous is overshare or talk too much trying to smooth situations over. At that moment, I thought maybe we needed to casually start the conversation and get the ball rolling, especially with the “less reactive” partner. So I awkwardly slipped out something like, “Well, we definitely do need to sit down and talk about all of this eventually because we did decide to get Tom microchipped.”

Honestly, I don’t even know why I said it. I think part of me just thought this conversation was inevitable eventually and maybe starting it casually would help. I thought the conversation ended there.

It didn’t.

Later that night, we were all sitting around the bonfire. My husband got up to go to the bathroom, and almost immediately after he left, Jim and his fiancée came over to where I was sitting across from my FIL and his girlfriend.

I won’t lie, I had a bit of a buzz going and was all bundled up because it was freezing outside, so at first I honestly couldn’t even process what Jim was mumbling to me. Then it slowly started clicking that he was talking about taking Tom back once they buy a house next year.

The second I realized where the conversation was going, my anxiety completely kicked in. I instantly went into freeze mode.

My husband, who’s usually the person who helps ground me and speak confidently in situations like this wasn’t there, and suddenly everyone was staring at me waiting for an answer. At first, all I could manage to say was, “We can talk about it when the time comes.”

But that wasn’t enough for Jim.

He immediately got frustrated and responded, “Well, the agreement between John and I was one year.”

At that point, I told him that I wasn’t comfortable discussing any of this without my husband there. He kept trying to push the conversation, until my husband eventually came back. Jim acted like none of it had happened.

The rest of the camping trip felt incredibly uncomfortable for me after that. The entire time, my brain kept spiraling. Am I doing the right thing? Am I being selfish? Would I be upset if I were him?

But then I think about Tom.

I think about how terrified he was when we first got him back. How my husband told me he had to spend hours coaxing him out from under the couch just to bring him home. How nervous and shut down he was. And then I look at him now. He cuddles with his siblings. He cries to be picked up and held. He sleeps next to me every single night with his little paw always needing to be touching me. He no longer runs and hides when my mom and friends visit. He’s finally learning to trust people.

Tom went from surviving to genuinely thriving.

And that’s what keeps bringing me back to the same conclusion over and over again: I have to do what’s best for the animal that can’t advocate for himself.

On the drive home, I told my husband everything that happened at the bonfire, and he was furious. Furious that I got cornered alone. Furious about how the entire situation was handled. Furious about years of tension and unhealthy dynamics with his brother.

When we got home, my husband decided he was done avoiding the conversation and texted Jim a very long message. The overall point was that he did not appreciate me being cornered at the campsite, that we do not believe returning Tom is in the cat’s best interest, and that moving Tom into a brand-new house with a dog, a young child, and potentially another baby in the near future (they want to immediately start trying after the wedding) would be incredibly stressful for him and selfish on Jim's part. Tom has a history of anxiety and fear aggression when overwhelmed and that can lead to him scratching and hiding. If anything, I don't want to put Tom in a position where he could hurt a child, someone else or even himself.

He also told Jim that we no longer felt comfortable being part of their wedding party. We had been asked to be part of the wedding party when they first started planning the wedding, and while I won’t lie and say I was thrilled about it because it’s a huge responsibility, I still wanted to support them and I didn’t want things to implode like this.

Between the constant planning, parties, expenses, and the overall energy surrounding the wedding lately, both Jim and his fiancée have honestly been giving major “bridezilla” energy at times, but I was still trying to show up and be supportive because they’re family. But my husband admitted that financially and emotionally, he had already been questioning being involved for a long time and this situation just pushed him over the edge. He also wanted to give them enough of a heads-up so this wont disrupt their plans a ton. The wedding is still months away towards the end of this year. I chose to support my husband and realistically, it wouldn't make sense for me to be apart of the big day without my husband.

After the text was sent, Jim completely lost it. There were nonstop texts and calls until eventually my husband answered. I chose not to be in the room for the beginning (which I now regret). Jim can be very reactive and I was already under a lot of stress by this point. I did choose to go listen after awhile and I was surprised to not hear Jim on the line, but his fiancée. Apparently, she grabbed the phone telling my husband that since Jim cannot communicate effectively she was going to speak for him.

My husband said it sounded like she ripped the phone from Jim, she came off as panicked and confrontational. At one point she even brought up studying pre-law. They also tried claiming that what happened at the campsite wasn’t an ambush and was just a misunderstanding.

When the lack of financial support was brought up, Jim argued that we “never asked for the money,” which honestly shocked me considering it was part of the original agreement. What also rubbed me the wrong way was how quickly the conversation shifted toward money. Once care expenses were mentioned, they suddenly offered reimbursement and started acting like we were holding Tom hostage for financial gain, which honestly felt insulting.

What really rubbed me the wrong way though was that while this conversation was actively happening, Jim’s fiancée was simultaneously updating the bridesmaids group chat I was in to announce that I had “dropped out” and that a new chat would be made. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but as another woman it honestly gave me mean girl energy. If the roles were reversed, I feel like most people would’ve quietly made another group chat instead of publicly announcing it like that while everything was actively blowing up.

Eventually, my husband softened and noticeably seemed to back down a bit (which he later admitted was partially intentional to try and de-escalate things), she immediately shifted back into humble mode. She started saying that once they buy a house next year, they would like to eventually take Tom back, but also claimed they “wouldn’t rip him away from his home” if that’s truly what was best for him. The conversation ended with we will make a date to talk further in person.

A few days later, after things cooled down slightly, I decided to text Jim’s fiancée privately to apologize for backing out of the wedding. Regardless of everything happening, I still felt she deserved an explanation from me personally because I genuinely thought we were building some kind of friendship.

Her response honestly hurt.

She basically told me she wanted to keep communication short and respectful (I don't believe it was), did not want further contact with me, and that the men had three weeks to arrange a discussion regarding the cat situation. I chose not to respond after that.

It also honestly gave me the impression that she didn’t want to waste time building a relationship with me until she knew what “side” things were going to land on. Almost like, if things didn’t go the way they wanted with Tom, then there was no point in continuing to be nice to me or putting effort into a friendship anymore.

As of right now, I’m thinking emotionally, legally, and with extremely high anxiety all at once.

If they aren’t even planning on getting a house until next year, that means Tom will have spent even more time bonded to us, our cats, and this environment. Pulling him away from everything and everyone he knows after all this time honestly doesn’t feel like it would be in his best interest.

Legally, I also feel like the original spoken agreement has already been broken. The agreement was supposedly one year and $40 a month toward his care. Not only have we never received any money (“because we didn’t ask,” apparently), but there’s also been almost no communication regarding Tom’s well-being this entire time.

At this point, we have vet records in our names, his microchip registered under our names, pictures, proof of care, and I’m even looking into pulling purchase histories for things like food, litter, toys, etc. through the pet stores we shop at. I'll also start saving them from this point. Since Jim's fiancée pulled out the "pre law" card, I feel like I need to build my case as strong as I can.

I’ve done way too much research at this point... including a probably unhealthy amount of Judge Judy clips (not saying this is research lol) and from everything I’ve seen, situations like this start leaning into abandonment when someone leaves an animal for that long without financially contributing or actively being involved in its care. At this point, part of me genuinely wonders if they even realistically have any legal standing. I’m obviously not a lawyer, so maybe I’m completely wrong, but from everything I’ve researched, it feels less like a temporary fostering situation at this point and more like abandonment.

But at the same time, I don’t know.

Part of me still feels guilty because technically Tom originally started as “Jim’s cat.”

Now Jim is asking my husband to plan some kind of sit-down conversation. It’s been a few weeks since all of this happened, and honestly the longer my husband has had time to sit with everything, the more distant he’s become from the idea of even trying to repair things. He’s also not someone who rushes to respond to conflict, especially with how busy and stressful our lives already are right now.

At this point, part of me honestly feels like my husband doesn’t owe him a meeting anymore. And if my husband truly is okay with letting this relationship go after everything that’s happened, I think a part of me would honestly feel relieved too.

John has made it very clear that he does not want to give Tom back, and from what he tells me, he doesn’t even know if he wants a relationship with Jim anymore after all of this, even if it damages the rest of the family relationships too because everyone usually sides with Jim. And with us being in a different country, this option realistically gives us the ability to make our own choices here.

I don’t know. I genuinely just want to do what’s best for Tom, but this entire situation has emotionally exhausted me.

Thank you if you've made it this far, I know I may get the "this is word vomit comments" but I genuinely needed to get this out.