Tossed my would be baby’s first toy
After years of trying and a loss I’m so sick of this being such a large part of my life. Hope and dreaming of the future I just couldn’t hold onto it anymore.
I bought an o-ball when we started trying because I was all over the child development YouTube videos. One woman was talking about how easy they are to grip and manipulate. So I bought one. I wanted to be the person who bought my baby’s first toy because I knew as soon as I was pregnant I would inundated with excited family ready to take some firsts. It would have been the first grandchild too.
Then months went buy, then years, other babies were born. I got excited when I was pregnant but it ended in a loss. Then again more months, more babies were born. Those babies started getting older and I still had this stupid fucking baby toy stashed in my closet. Everytime I looked at it I could imagine my little baby’s fingers grasping it and drooling all over it. But it just felt like false hope and delusion. I couldn’t gift it to someone else without feeling like their kid was using my toy. It just plastic, the world is already full of it so I threw it out.
It was over a week ago, it feels better and worse somehow. Like it’s easier to grieve and move forward with a little less dreaming and hope. It just doesn’t feel like that future is for me anymore. No matter how much I want it.
I can’t keep holding onto and planning a future that might not happen for me. Today I’m upset about it, just because I told my partner and he was sad I did it. He didn’t care when I bought the ball, he was only sad to hear I threw it out after everything we had been through. But i just needed to at least a little control over the situation.