r/InfertilitySucks

TW: Mention of pregnancy loss

Over the past couple of years, I’ve seen around twenty different doctors because of infertility investigations and complications during pregnancy (a miscarriage). In my country, we’re fortunate to have a healthcare system that doesn’t require insurance. Still, the private sector often provides better care and this seems especially true when it comes to infertility.

I had a scary pregnancy (months of bleeding and fainting) which ended in the loss of my baby. Because none of the doctors treating me ever showed the slightest emotional reaction, and no one asked how I was doing, I started to think that maybe this wasn’t even the kind of tragedy I'm allowed to grieve.

Yesterday when I went to a private gynecologist for the first time, she could hardly believe what had happened to me. She was visibly shocked. You know when someone is so stunned they can’t get any words out and just look you straight in the eyes. That’s the reaction I got. And for the first time I actually felt heard. I finally received a clear evaluation of what likely had (partly) caused the miscarriage. At the end of the appointment, she even asked if I could call her later to update her on how things go with trying to conceive again.

Even though this encounter helped me a lot, I’m now even more frustrated by how coldly people struggling with infertility are treated, at least in the public health care. It’s awful that I’ve spent the last six months thinking I wasn’t allowed to grieve so much what happened to me... Yeah I just needed to vent.

We’ve (42M, 41F) been through most of it - four IUI, four (full cycles of) IVF, immunotherapy, preimplantation genetic testing, name it - trying for over 9 years now, spent an ungodly amount of money… to be (slowly) come to the realization that it won’t ever happen.

No matter what the well-wishers and “oh we’ve had trouble too” say - how do you get over the grief ? We can’t seem to find anything
*All* podcasts, blogs, articles, etc. are either
* being childfree if the best decision I ever made; or
* I tried for 2 months and then got everything I ever wanted

What about those of us for whom it never worked ? To go from disappointment to disappointment to disillusion to failure. Did any one of you find resources, help, or any way out ? How do you learn to be childless not my choice but by resignation ? Any way to learn to live this life ? To process this grief ?

I have known for a while that I am infertile and I absloutely hate it. I don't want to be so rude to people but I hate seeing people who talk about how happy they are to be child free when I would do anything to be fertile. I didn't have a choice and while I was born fertile I was born with a disorder that requires infertility to be cured (i.e. the cure to it makes one infertile), and while it's worse to be suffering with it, it's also horrible (no where near as bad but still horrific) to be infertile.

Truly all I want is to have a kid on my own that I can say is definitively mine and I will never have this. It makes me unusually sad, and while I no longer fit the dsm criteria for major depressive disorder, it still makes me extremely sad that I will never have children. I am Lesbian too so I know it is unusual for me to be sad about this but I see everyone growing up and having children and to me I cannot help but to be jealous. I will never have that, I will never have a child of my own that I can say is mine, I will never go through the struggles and positives of being pregnant and raising a child of my own.

It's absloutely heartbreaking, I would truly do anything to have children of my own, even if it significantly worsened my own life, but ultimately with the disorder I was born with the other option was death so I had no other choice than infertility. I truly wish my life could be different.

How are you doing today? Let everybody know in gif, emoji, or text format.

Backstory:
This September will mark my 5-year wedding anniversary. I have been trying to conceive (TTC) for nearly 3 years, but due to the immense stress of my father’s health issues and my own personal traumas, I have developed Hashimoto's. When I was initially referred to a fertility clinic, everything physically seemed fine with both me and my husband. That was until my blood work came back, revealing low iron and high thyroid levels.
My first IUI back in September failed. After that, we decided to try just Letrozole, and I actually managed to get pregnant that cycle, only to lose the pregnancy within the same week. A third cycle using Letrozole combined with a trigger shot also failed, which has now left us with IVF as our only remaining option.

The Run Around:
Canada provides the option of one free funded round of IVF for approved couples, but holy...
The sheer amount of administrative hoops is overwhelming: endless blood tests, semen analysis, watching educational videos on the entire IVF process, reading through mountains of various consent forms, and sending our Notice of Assessment (NOA) to both doctors and the government. All of this jumping through hoops just to try and have a baby. It only adds to the heartbreak, knowing I am forced to leap through these endless hurdles while other women I know personally seem to conceive so effortlessly.

Completely random question but I thought I would ask bc it’s kinda funny to me also. Does anyone else see videos on TikTok or whatever of babies or small kids and you cry like I just watched a video of a adorable child singing and I was crying it wasn’t even sad it was cute but I find myself crying at every video of a child I watch regardless off the context and idk if everybody does this or if I’m super emotional

Hello there,
My wife 32F and I 34M have been trying to have a kid since 2020, and its been a long and depressing ride of no luck.

I knew very early in my life (16), that i would likely not be able to have kids. I confirmed this back in 2020. Since I had a good while to come to terms with that, I very quickly said lets do donor sperm or adopt.

My wife on the other hand was very upset and cried back then. After a while she accepted that we could use donor sperm and we started seeing a doc at a fertility clinic. A year or two into trying at-home IUI/ICSI, my wife found out she had PCOS and PMDD. So she tried taking various medications in addition to continue trying at-home ICSI and in-clinic IUI. My wife developed pretty serious depression and recently had a suicidal episode that led to me seeking individual & couples counseling b/c we need help and didnt initially consider the emotional toll the fertility journey would take on both of us.

We had our first couples counseling session the other day, and it was good, we left feeling understood and the therapist mentioned EMDR therapy as something that might help us going forward.

I dont know much about it other than its for like really really traumatic stuff. Wondering if others have done it or recommend it for us.

Infertility sucks and so does Debra in accounting, who just came back from her maternity leave. Who are you mad at IRL this week? Call out anyone who has wronged you and add a nice "fuck you" at the end. Or just type out a whole bunch of swears. We won't tell on you.

Hi, trying to remind myself everyone’s journey is so different and to not compare . But it’s extra hard today.

I’ve been doing IVF for over a year. Have only made it to one egg retrieval which the egg didnt fertilize. Multiple cancelled cycles.

My good friend just started IVF is already done with her first cycle and just received noticed her egg fertilized. I’m so happy for her but it’s hard not to be sad for me.

I feel so guilty being jealous of her journey and how fast and “easy” it was. I know she still has a road in front of her but it’s another reminder that everyone is moving on but me.

My other IVF friends now have their baby and here I am just trying to get a response from the meds. I hate that I find myself making excuses to not talk to her because I’m jealous. Something I’m not used to feeling especially with my loved ones.

Need to vent. Me and my husband have been struggling with infertility for 3 years. My sister has 4 kids, and I thought she was done having kids since it had been a few years since her last child was born. Of course she ended up getting pregnant again. I found out about this pregnancy about a month after I had miraculously gotten pregnant and then devastatingly miscarried.

On top of it all, she just gave birth to her fifth child, all uncomplicated pregnancies, and the baby’s name is the name me and my husband were planning to name our baby.

She didn’t know this of course. It’s just a coincidence, but I am just so sad with the world I guess. It feels like such a reminder of the baby I lost. Meanwhile I’m still not pregnant, the world is so unfair :(

Another friend just announced their pregnancy. My little sister announced a fortnight ago. A fortnight before that we had our second TFMR, at 14 weeks. Six months before that we had a TFMR at 22 weeks, and I had to give birth to my sleeping baby. Before that was three and a half years of trying, IVF, and another early loss. How much more am I meant to take? We've been trying for over four years now. I've spent 43 weeks pregnant.

I've spent every month of the last four years trying. Trying to be hopeful. Trying to keep my head above water. Trying to believe this time will be our time. Now we have to wait for genetic testing, because they still don't know why our two babies had conditions incompatible with life. After that will be testing our remaining embryos. Then more trying. More stress. More heartache. When we started trying none of our friends had kids, now we're about to be the only ones without a baby. I miss my son who was born at 22 weeks. I miss being pregnant with my daughter, who would have been our November rainbow baby. I just can't fucking believe how much shit life keeps throwing at us. It feels so cruel and unfair. I started trying at 30, I'll be 35 at least before I have my first baby now. I feel so old and tired.

I'm in therapy. I work out. I eat healthy. I've always been 'healthy'. I've always taken good care of myself, never been a smoker or a drinker. I do all the stupid mental health things. I'm just sick of it being so fucking hard all the time.

I’m 26 and my husband and I have been TTC for almost 3 years. We’ve been seeing fertility specialists for 2 years and have tried everything except IVF. My husband’s testing is normal, and my infertility remains unexplained.

We’re about to start IVF. I have insurance coverage for one round, but after that IVF would be out of pocket and unaffordable for us. Adoption isn’t a realistic option financially either, so this feels like our one opportunity.

My husband has been incredibly supportive, but this process has been devastating for both of us. Watching everyone around me have children-often accidentally- while we’re struggling so much has become increasingly difficult. My mental health has really taken a hit and I find myself crying a lot and feeling less hopeful as time goes on.

For those who have been through this, how did you cope? How did you prepare yourself for the possibility that IVF might not work while still moving forward? Any advice is appreciated. It’s been an absolute nightmare that I can’t wake up from.

After years of trying and a loss I’m so sick of this being such a large part of my life. Hope and dreaming of the future I just couldn’t hold onto it anymore.

I bought an o-ball when we started trying because I was all over the child development YouTube videos. One woman was talking about how easy they are to grip and manipulate. So I bought one. I wanted to be the person who bought my baby’s first toy because I knew as soon as I was pregnant I would inundated with excited family ready to take some firsts. It would have been the first grandchild too.

Then months went buy, then years, other babies were born. I got excited when I was pregnant but it ended in a loss. Then again more months, more babies were born. Those babies started getting older and I still had this stupid fucking baby toy stashed in my closet. Everytime I looked at it I could imagine my little baby’s fingers grasping it and drooling all over it. But it just felt like false hope and delusion. I couldn’t gift it to someone else without feeling like their kid was using my toy. It just plastic, the world is already full of it so I threw it out.

It was over a week ago, it feels better and worse somehow. Like it’s easier to grieve and move forward with a little less dreaming and hope. It just doesn’t feel like that future is for me anymore. No matter how much I want it.

I can’t keep holding onto and planning a future that might not happen for me. Today I’m upset about it, just because I told my partner and he was sad I did it. He didn’t care when I bought the ball, he was only sad to hear I threw it out after everything we had been through. But i just needed to at least a little control over the situation.

hi, I’m gonna try to word this and ask this in a way that makes sense but my brain is jumbled so I’m sorry.
I’m 24f have been TTC with my fiancé for about three years, maybe a little longer
Anyway, to start this me and him tried for about eight months before we went to the doctor initially I was pretty sure that I was gonna have fertility issues because my period had always been a failure anyway so we went to the doctor and they tested my ovulation and my hormones and they did a pelvic exam and all they came up with was that my hormones are low. They said I had more testosterone. my estrogen was really low and I barely had any progesterone in my body at all so at that point, I wasn’t really having a menstrual cycle like I was, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t a menstrual cycle anyway he put me on a Clomid progesterone combo to try to get me to ovulate. We tried a course of that for I wanna say a year. Anyway, that’s all my fertility specialist is willing to do and we are going on the the middle of the 3rd year and he won’t test me for endometriosis or PCOS because he says I’m not obese. I’m 5’2 105 pounds for reference. I do have severe cramps and back pain when I’m on my period and about a year and a half ago, he told me that he believes that I had a chemical pregnancy due to the excruciating period that I had that lasted almost 2 weeks, but he doesn’t want to try to do anything other than a progesterone Clomid mix and it’s obviously not working going on that two years now

Edit… I wanna add I’ve stopped taking the meds the doctor gave me bc I needed a mental health break bc I got a positive and my doctor told me I was wrong the next day. it’s been about 7 months give or take since the last round and well I have had 3 periods on time and I have never once in my life had 3 periods in a row and on time and normal so my fiance has decided for me we are going back to the doctor and getting me rechecked but I’m so mentally drained and idk if I can take anymore bad news

What's making you say "WTF?!" this week?

My spouse insisted we take a break after our first medicated cycle failed. I knew they were right; I was spiraling very hard. But I wonder if it’s the right choice, as my cycles tend to be extremely long (45+ days because I don’t ovulate) I don’t use Letrozole (PCOS) and we only just now, nearly 18 months in, are getting treatment. We are both 32 and another year is half over so I can’t help but panic about losing yet another 2 months, possibly more.

I had to go back up on my antidepressants, that I worked so hard to taper off of in preparation for pregnancy because I’ve been so depressed. I just feel so defeated and hopeless for the future. Our whole move back home, to this neighborhood even, was to have children. I am terrified of the break making it closer to our reality as DINKs and having to move away a third time…

Just looking for reassurance that a break is actually helpful, because telling the doctor we were taking a break after one cycle felt really awful.

We started IUI and IVF due to male factor only. While I was 38 when we started, I’ve been healthy and we had no reason to think I’d have any trouble getting pregnant (though we had never tried via sex because of the male factor issue). We wanted to try for a family, but also were totally fine with being DINKs, so whatever happens, happens. We don’t HAVE to be parents to be happy.

Got 21 eggs, 18 fertilized, 8 blastocyst, 4 euploid. Amazing!! Such great results. Doctor said we had a 98% chance of getting a healthy baby from this!! So sure, we are definitely going to have this kid we want. No need for another ER, 4 is plenty. We even have time to wait a few months. We wait almost a year.

Now I’m 39 and ready for my first FET. Yay! 79% graded embryo! This is going to WORK. 10 days later, negative test. Immediately roll into second one, IT WORKS!!!! And I get the girl I wanted. We wait til 9 weeks to tell my parents at Christmas. We didn’t know she had already passed away at that point and I was just carrying dead tissue. D&C follows along with lots of testing to determine cause.

Husband wants to stop at this point due to the toll it’s taking mentally and physically on me. I want to keep going. We have two more, we gotta at least go through our four, and know we did what we could. 40th bday passes. Time for third FET, adding Lovenox and this time i have to find outside monitoring and fly back to CA because we had moved to NC during this time. So even more complicated.

Around the time of this FET i decided I’m completely ok - even would PREFER if it failed. We want to travel, i want my body back, i want to focus on other pursuits. For the week after FET, I’m on a high, knowing I’m not going to be upset either way. I am totally and completely fine and wanting it to fail is NOT a defense mechanism, because it’s so visceral in my brain.

Positive test! Oh wait, not really, it’s chemical. Devastated. Why am I so sad?? Why can’t I get out of bed? I was supposed to be ok with this. Why did the doctors say we should have a 95% chance of success with three embryos?? Why am I in the 5%?
I don’t have any faith at all that a fourth embryo will work. I am exhausted and need a break. Which means MORE time passing at 40.

Dealing with infertility and hoping to find some pods to listen to. I’m hoping hearing other people talk about it can help me to talk about it with others more effectively

Infertility is like waiting in line at the deli counter in Coles.
You grab a ticket and see you're number 22. Excellent, you think. There are only a few people in front of you.

You stare at the cases of meats, cheese and fish, filled to the brim with everything you have been hoping for.
You know exactly what you want. It seems relatively straightforward.
Besides a bit of waiting and patience, you should have what you came for shortly.

The lady behind the counter calls number 19, then 20, then 21.
You stand up a little straighter, ready for your turn.
Then she calls number 23.
You wait for her to realise the mistake.
Then she calls 24.
And 25.
Nobody seems to notice except you.

"That's weird," you think.
So you take another ticket.
This time you're number 47.
The queue is longer now.
The waiting is harder.
But surely your number will be called eventually.

Somehow you're skipped again.
And again.
And again.

After a while, you stop looking forward to your turn.
Instead, you spend your time wondering what you're doing wrong.
Did you take the wrong ticket?
Are you standing in the wrong place?
Did everyone else get instructions that you somehow missed?

Meanwhile, new customers walk up to the counter.
Some get served almost immediately.
Some finish their order, leave, come back for seconds, and get served again before your number has ever been called once.

People passing by tell you not to worry.
"They’ll call your number when you least expect it."
"Just relax."
"The deli works differently for everyone."
They're trying to be kind, but they're already carrying bags full of everything they came for.

You smile and thank them anyway.
What else can you do?
You're absolutely starving, and what you want is sitting right there in front of you.

You've been patient.
You've followed the rules.
You've taken every ticket you've been given, and still every time the number board lights up, it seems to skip right past yours.

But the truth is, you'd stand in that queue forever if it meant one day hearing your number called.
So you take a deep breath, step back up to the counter, and pull another ticket from the machine.

This happened a few weeks ago. I had terrible stomach pain for 5 hours and we decided to go to the ER to make sure nothing was wrong. Turns out it was just acid or something.

When we got there, the doc took blood to do some labs. Came back and said “we did a pregnancy test and it’s negative. Not sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing for you guys”

I told him we’ve been trying for 3 years so it’s not good news (though at that point we weren’t doing any IUI, taking a mental break from it, so I knew it would be neg anyways)

He said “oh that’s rough I’m sorry you guys are going through that” and I’m thinking yay someone who understands and empathizes!

He then sits on the stool next to me, talks about his fucking toddler and 6 month old and how great being a dad is and the silly things they do. I’m laying there in agony and just saying “mmm” every once in a while thinking WTF! I don’t say anything because I’m in too much pain and figure it’s not even worth it.

The tests came back normal so they gave me feel-good meds and then say I can be discharged. He then says “good luck on your journey guys! I’m rooting for you!”

WHO DOES THAT!!

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.