TTC for a year has made me lose all hope recently and I feel like I have no other goals in life....please help me feel inspired again. Besides becoming a parent, what other goals are you working on, what are you hoping to achieve in the next few months or what are you looking forward to?
I've always loved babies, even when I was a child myself I always thought babies are the absolute cutest and all of my friends know that about me. I've always wanted to be a mom, but at the same time I recognize that a baby would make my life much more difficult in practice (less money, no sleep, less time with husband, live in a foreign country so I would have no help).
I've been trying with my husband for a year with no positives so far, and medically there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with us (except for my low AMH at 1.06ng/mL at 32 years old, but that shouldn't prevent me from getting pregnant naturally). I've been feeling depressed, which has been compounded by the fact that I had to really lower the dose of my antidepressants to prepare for pregnancy, and I have a job that is very stressful, demanding, monotonous and pointless. I work from my apartment in a city with cloudy weather and similar temperatures year-round, and it really feels like the same day is repeating over and over.
Every time I get my period, or I hear of a friend announcing a pregnancy, I am reminded that there is something wrong with me and I cry. But when I think of trying again the next month, and I imagine seeing a positive test, telling our family, buying all the baby stuff, etc, I feel excitement.
Then I remember that the chances of it happening are low at this point, and I tell myself that maybe the reasons I feel excited by the idea of a baby are wrong. Like I want to get pregnant only because of the excitement or the novelty of it, because it will be something different in my life that will get me out of the monotony, maybe even something that I can use as an excuse to quit my job. But the reality is that a baby would increase my risk of postpartum depression, add more stress because I will probably have to work and parent at the same time, and then what if my baby grows up to have depression and a shitty job too, or if they have another health problem? So I convince myself that I should be ok with my infertility, and I shouldn't even want a baby anyway; that another human being should not be my purpose in life.
What do you think? Do you ever feel like this? Is this my depression talking and me trying to over explain every situation and squash every ray of excitement? Thank you all for making me feel less alone in this ❤️