u/SnooRobots7951

Basically, the only thing I've wanted in life is to find my soulmate, or what I like to call my spiritual companion. I've been trying to find someone since I was 18. I'm now 35, and still never dated or been in a relationship before. I never really met anyone who was interested in me. I would really like to have a family someday. But the older I get, the worse my depression gets, as well as feeling more rushed.

I went to a wedding today, and it really broke me. On top of that, I lost someone that I cared about at the same time, who I met on here.

I feel hopeless and very depressed, despite being on antidepressants, It's not helping in this case. I can't stop thinking about how my my life turned out, and often have very negative thoughts, which I don't act upon, but I do personally believe things would be easier if I didn't have to deal with the pain anymore.

What should I do if I can't find anyone locally, or online? I've tried for years, with no luck.

I have a feeling that I'm going to regret doing this, but I'm going to give it a shot anyways.

So, I had a rough childhood. Abusive Dad, Mom didn't do anything about it type of situation. I was the only one in my household who had interest in being a Christian. I didn't have friends as a kid, I had 1 in High School, who I don't hear from anymore.

I'm now 35, no friends, always wanted a wife and family, but never dated or been in a relationship before. ADHD with anxiety and depression has played a major factor. Depression made me gain weight, so I've always been unattractive, I got anxiety when I tried to talk to someone, and depression from being lonely.

At the moment, the medication is helping with the weight issue (currently down 81 lbs.). ADHD isn't as bad but still needs improved, anxiety seems to be improved some also, but depression is still kicking my butt.

Being on this subreddit has been very negative lately. I came here hoping to find someone, as well as try to help others, because that's something I've always wanted to do. But people have been so judgmental, come to conclusions about me without knowing enough detail, and some don't hesitate when it comes to trying to make me feel like I'm a terrible person for having difference in views or opinions on something, even when it relates to my life experiences. I also haven't had great luck in meeting people on here. Basically, these things made the depression worse, which should not happen on anything Christian-related.

But, when it comes to meeting people at local churches, they're basically like the people on here that i've mentioned. One example is that I was talking to a pastor, and he was asking me if I was on drugs, and made a very odd facial expression when asking, like a grin (it gave me bad vibes). I did not sound or look like I was on drugs, so I never knew why he asked. So I'm not attending nearby churches (I'm in a rural area, not too many to choose from).

I guess my question would be what should I do? I am near a breaking point. Although I'm not suicidal, I've seriously thought about it multiple times lately, because I don't want to deal with the loneliness anymore, as well as the negativity of people. And yes, I know I'm not really alone, because I have God, who is pretty much the only "friend" I have now, but I also need someone physically to be with, the "soulmate" that I'm looking for, even though many people here don't believe in that kind of stuff (I do).

This depression has gotten so bad, that I would just randomly tear up, which happened on Monday while I was taking a medical certification test at my College (it almost made me fail as well). Just the thought of being 35 and still not being married and having kids alone sets it off. When I go to my Aunt's house for holidays and birthdays, I see my Cousins there, who I've watched grow up since they were born, with their spouses and kids. It's one of those things that really affects me. I also have a wedding to go to this July, It's hard to say how I'm going to handle that.