false attraction or compulsively suppressing it?
so for the past few days ive been convinced i like masc women because of a myriad of reasons.
i recently figured out one of my compulsions is trying to make the thought or feeling go away, this then made me kind of realise that i’ve potentially probably been compulsively been suppressing my attraction and desire. which coincides with a lot of people who figured out they were bi later on (w hocd).
i have been spiralling over this one masculine girl on tiktok that’s pretty popular and pretty good looking. i feel like i have to like her because she looks exactly like a guy and looks really good too. everytime i look at her i feel like this ”wave” of “attraction” which i don’t know if it’s attraction or not but still. and i always tried to look for flaws that can either make the feeling go away or justify why i shouldn’t like her.
i feel like i do like her because this attraction feeling feels pretty real and everytime i argue with the thought it feels like i’m convincing myself i don’t like her when i probably do. it feels like i’m suppressing my attraction because i’m scared which i hate. i have this kind of knowing kind of feeling which idk if its ocd or not but it feels like ik i like masc women because its what i would’ve thought or done if i didnt have ocd
and the worst part, my thoughts dont feel intrusive at all. in fact they feel impar with my identity and it seems like what i would probably think. i just feel so desperate and hope this is wrong but that’s probably denial. i hate this so much. i think i’m actually attracted to masc women and i think i actually do find them hot because a lot of them do look hot and they look like men. for a year i just thought this was fake attraction. should’ve known better