Does Couples Therapy Actually Work?
I'm a 30(F) in a relationship with my 32(M) partner. We just started therapy with a clinician who specializes in the Gottman Method (level 3) and is trained in emotionally focused couples therapy. I am at my wit's end. I am so confused about what we are even fighting about at this point.
We had our 2nd joint session last week where I asked that we discuss how to navigate things post-therapy, knowing we are likely to feel activated. I'd also found myself especially impacted by him texting me and telling me he was spiraling or that he was angry with me after he met with her 1-1. It left me feeling responsible for his emotional world. I didn't want to talk about therapy outside of therapy, especially when we don't have the tools to do so effectively right now. I was careful to say this wasn't something I saw as a permanent solution, but that I would prefer to refrain from talking about therapy content without the frame of the therapy itself for now.
He escalated around this fairly quickly and said he was frustrated, that he needs to be able to talk and feels I am making the rules. The therapist tried to help us find a middle ground by suggesting the idea of a 'check-in,' which I was open to, and also the idea of allowing it to vary session by session. It ended awkwardly and I called him after to check-in and reconnect.
He was withdrawn, refusing to talk much so I asked if he preferred space and he said he didn't. I asked what he does want and he just escalated, referring to my behavior as controlling and abusive - stating that I muzzle him by not allowing him to talk or voice his needs, that it all becomes about me and my need for things to be handled "perfectly." He was alluding to me being avoidant, and I can definitely see aspects of this. I said as much. It seems, however, that there is nothing I can say in these moments that moves him in any way. He becomes extreme, polarizing, says I make him into a monster and myself into the victim. He uses language that, to me, suggests he's thinking about ending the relationship.
I feel helpless and confused. All the things he accuses me of are experiences I, too, have with him. At no point have I stated he cannot talk about things - I've asked the he refrain from blowing up at me and that he speak to me with respect and a baseline assumption that we are on the same team.
I really need to know if couples therapy has worked for folks navigating a similar dynamic. We reviewed the Sound Relationship House and the first three foundational areas were listed as strengths along with "commitment." The "trust" wall, however, was marked as a challenge along with conflict of course and the 4 horsemen. I really want this relationship to work and I can't handle him when he speaks to me this way. I don't know what to think.