Self defense or abuser?
My(31F) husband (32) drives recklessly with me and my son in the car. Mostly road rage related like swerving into other people’s lanes if he thinks they’re getting into his, tailgating, driving in front of people and then slowing down, or zooming past people 20+mph over the speed limit. He also yells and shouts at them and says aggressive stuff from silky stuff like “I hope you stub your toe everyday” to stuff like “I hope you wrap your car around a pole” or “I hope you hang yourself and your mom doesn’t find your body until a week later.” Sometimes it’s just a string of angry cuss words. Often times he makes gestures and starts talking with people like he’s going to fight them.
I have asked him to stop because it scares me and I don’t like that he does it with me and especially not our two year old son in the car. I have told him that the area we live in has had multiple road rage shootings and I feel like he’s not only putting us at risk for a crash, but also for being shot at or something similar. He always says I’m overreacting or trying to control him. Sometimes he will say sorry but then continues to do it. I’ve given up at asking him to stop with cussing people out, but I do let people know that when our toddler cusses it is because of his dad’s road rage. On top of more minor issues, this reason makes me want to file for divorce. We are great friends, it just seems like a boundary is constantly being ignored. And it’s safety involved which I don’t like. I’ve started reading up on this being consider abuse which it really feels like.
The problem is, yesterday he doing the usual yelling at people and cussing them out and then a guy in front of us was going 13mph in a 15mph zone. The guy was in an old truck and it was only 2mph under the speed limit so I didn’t think anything of and then my husband starts honking at him. The guy pointed at the speed limit and my husband started making angry gestures at him and cussing him out. I told him to stop and he kept yelling and honking. The guy in front of us then stopped and was making gestures back at my husband so my husband just started laying on the horn. The guy made some gestures back at my husband and my husband muttered something about getting a fight. I was yelling at him and telling him to stop and he kept saying it was the other guys fault. I started freaking out and was going to get out of the car but was afraid the guy was going to think I was getting out to fight him or come after me or shoot me since I would be an easy target (I know the last two are not probable, but I was in panic mode). I was screaming stop and my husband was ignoring me, he was honking the horn the whole time. I flipped and started yelling and was hitting him in the arm to get him to stop. I don’t know how hard because my hands were numb from being in a panic attack mode.
When the guy started moving I was yelling at him saying stuff like “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I try not to cuss but I was so upset. He just looked at me and said “don’t you ever lay hands on me again.” I apologized but I was also still very angry so I didn’t say anything else. We didn’t talk almost the rest of the night. But he did all the chores he hadn’t done for the next couple of weeks so I was confused. He also wouldn’t interact with our son. I apologize again before bed. It’s the next day and he has only spoken to me about work stuff (we work together).
I’m worried now that a) I went too far and b) if we go for divorce that he can claim I’m the abuser. And I kinda feel like it might be true. I haven’t tried talking about it because I feel like he has a right to be angry and I don’t want to explain away any accountability for my actions.
Anybody have any insight or similar experience?