Wife wants a divorce, but we’re still married and I’m struggling to know what to do besides waiting proactively.
Hello everyone. I’m 24 and my wife is 23, and we’re going through a very difficult season in our marriage. I’m looking for biblical advice and wisdom before I meet with her on Monday.
For some background, we had known each other since we were teenagers but lost contact for a while. We reconnected early last year, started dating, got engaged in November, and married in December. Before dating, it was important to me that she professed faith in Christ and showed fruit of the Spirit, and we went through premarital counseling with our pastor and his wife.
Not long after getting married, we realized we had expectations that weren’t being met. One of the biggest issues was intimacy. My wife desired it more than I did, and I was still struggling with pornography early in our marriage. It affected my desire for her much more than I was willing to admit at the time. We talked about it, but I didn’t make the lasting changes I should have. Looking back, I understand why she began feeling more like a roommate than a wife.
As resentment grew, arguments became more frequent, and I could see it affecting her faith. Around that same time, a close friend of mine began spending a lot of time with her. He later admitted he had developed romantic feelings for her. Looking back, I should have immediately ended that friendship and the situation entirely, but I didn’t. She later explained that what she wanted most was to feel desired and pursued, not necessarily that she wanted a relationship with him. Still, allowing that friendship to continue was a serious mistake on my part.
A few weeks later, she planned a trip to Puerto Rico but only told me a few hours before she left. She originally said she’d be back that Wednesday, but after arriving, our communication changed dramatically. The first day was normal, but over the following days she barely spoke to me or gave me updates. Her location showed her at bars late into the night and at a house overnight instead of the hotel where she said she was staying. I knew she’d struggled with alcohol in the past, but I had no idea what was happening or why she was there.
When Wednesday came, it became clear she wasn’t coming home as planned. During that time, I found messages between her and my friend (after I had already asked them to stop communicating), as well as messages with another man. I didn’t find anything that definitively proved adultery, but there were messages that I don’t believe a married woman should be sending to another man. One message to my friend saying “oki cutie” especially stood out to me.
I completely fell apart. I could barely eat, I stopped taking care of myself, my desire to spend time with God and attend church dropped significantly, and I was desperate for answers. I called her repeatedly without success. I even contacted the other man after realizing he had also been in Puerto Rico the same week, which confirmed to me that they had met for some reason. When my wife found out I had contacted him, she became furious. Shortly afterward, I was asked by her and her father to leave the house we had been living in with her parents when I asked if she had been unfaithful in our marriage.
In June, she told me she wanted a divorce. We met to sign divorce papers on June 2nd, but they were never officially signed due to her missing a crucial paper I guess. During that period, her communication towards me was often hostile and I was criticized for calling her family the day I found the text messages in the Apple Watch, yet I continued expressing that I wanted to save the marriage. I admitted my failures, apologized for the ways I had hurt her, and told her the changes I was making, but she remained firm in wanting to leave.
Then, a few weeks ago, something unexpected happened. She called me around 2 a.m. asking if I wanted to talk. During that conversation, she apologized for how she had treated me over the previous weeks and cried throughout much of the call. I repeatedly told her I forgave her. The day before that phone call, I had given her flowers and a handwritten note after praying about it, and when we met she appreciated both and we had a genuinely kind conversation. It gave me hope that God might still be working in her heart.
We haven’t spoken since that day (June 12). I still love my wife deeply, and I genuinely want reconciliation if she’s willing. During this season, God has convicted me of my own sin and changed me in many ways. I’ve prayed that He would make me into the husband my wife needs and continue conforming me to Christ. While this has been one of the hardest seasons of my life, I can honestly say I’ve seen God’s faithfulness through it.
This Monday, I plan on going to her house to ask where she stands. I can’t continue living in uncertainty forever. If she’s willing to work toward reconciliation, I’ll gladly continue pursuing that. If she isn’t, then I at least need clarity about where we go from here.
I’m looking for biblical wisdom, advice, and prayers as I prepare for that conversation. Has anyone here gone through something similar? How would you approach this meeting if you were in my position?