u/Somalithatworks

I’m really curious if you guys ever got bored of someone. What I mean is initially you really liked talking to them, waiting for their texts, just always thinking about them but then you realized after some time you were getting bored of them and therefore you started texting less, when that person calls you just want to leave, you just no longer got interest.

How did you get here? Dissect your feelings for us please

I’ve heard of many marriages failing due to things like finances, arguments, communication, expectations, and most of all just growing apart, etc.

But I truly believe if two people are growing in deen together actively meaning you are married but both of you take time to learn and grow, go to classes and halaqas, have a family sit down about the deen that you will love each other more and you will grow closer together and the soft spot for the spouse actually grows.

The issue is many say deen but then once they get married they get comfortable with what they already know and no longer put in the effort to renew and keep learning which is the only way to keep you grounded, patient, forgiving, and optimistic through hard times and life in general.

One of the most underrated pillars of the deen in the marriage is growing in the same direction and not growing apart.

I noticed as a man we are open to getting to know girls but as soon as we hear the girl has a “strong personality”, we all tend to run away for some reason.

I notice Somalis back home love this kind of trait in a women because it shows a sense that this women cannot be pushed around by men and stand her ground in defending herself and keeping men away which is what men truly want. So in other words, she’s not someone that “Faduud”.

I also notice that “strong personality” women tend to hold things down the most by wearing many hats and just being a sense of making things easy for the man.

Ngl I used to hate someone with a “strong personality”, but I’ve realized these are the women that are the least influenced by friends and tend to have their own opinion and are not swayed by sweet talk by men.

I think “strong personality” women runs in our DNA tbh.

What do you guys think?

I want to be very honest here Wallahi. I just want to be honest.

So I feel my type is not that common to find. It might seem like that from the outside but the details make it much tougher. Let me be so brutally honest here.

Please don’t judge as it’s my preference and what I tend to like naturally.

I want a girl with these qualities and preferences.

1. Her age between 23-28
   2)Soft Spoken and is absolutely intentional about marriage
   3)Modesty is very important to her i.e wears abaya and dresses
2. I prefer light skin (for some reason SubhanAllah)
3. I want a girl from Canada (Preferably Toronto or Edmonton) but I’m open within North America if she has almost everything
4. A girl with a slim face and nice skin with minimal to no makeup
5. Prefer slim in areas but also thick as well (please forgive me as I’m trying to be honest)
6. Was raised with Islamic values and wants to instill that in her children
7. Wants children and has love for them
8. She’s kind, caring, nurturing and a great communicator even when she’s angry
9. Has no avoidant or self sabotage tendencies
10. Is strongly self aware knows her weaknesses and actively works on them
11. a girl from 5’4-5’10 but I am flexible here
12. She has good practicing friends and she’s not easily influenced

What would I bring

From what I know about myself and family knows about me.

1. I’m actually generous and love to spend on those closest to me
   2)I’m very tall so 196cm
   3)I’m lighter skin (if you prefer dark skin, I might not be for you)
2. I’m actually a great listener
3. I’m emotionally present and genuinely care
4. I’m very chill and laid back and I’m not judgmental at all
   7)Want to take responsibility for a women and protect her as she’s an amana (trust) from Allah (swt)
5. I’m playful and open minded
   9)Would be very honest and upfront
6. I would treat your parents and siblings with high honour and respect

I know a lot more could be said. But I just wanted to share some.

I’m actually very intentional and would only want to talk to someone that’s the same Wallahi. I would really love a girl that loves the deen and just want to get better in it.

Hey guys, I’m wondering if you had a potential you first connected on FaceTime and later met in real life. What was your experience like in terms of attraction physically? Were you more or less attracted? Is there a difference when you meet in person?

Would love to hear genuine answers from those that experienced this.

I think deen is used so causally as to the qualities both muslim men and women look for. But certain things like Salah, fasting, enjoining good and forbidding evil is for yourself.

But what’s one thing we don’t talk about is the self growth part of the deen. Things like sharing reminders with each other, pushing each other to learn and to teach, discussing deep topics and learning from each others perspectives, being people of great character by challenging each other to be better and holding each other accountable.

A spouse that doesn’t make you a better Muslim and encourages you in that direction will push you and take you down a very dark path.

Do you guys agree this part of the talking stage is missing today? Everything is Shuukansi and nobody is happy because it doesn’t bring peace to the heart and many feel anxiety because of it.

We don’t realize this a lot of the time when getting to know someone but if you are the one constantly taking from someone, meaning someone is initiating, asking about you, curious about you, initiating calls and meetups, and you just take but never give or give very little, you will definitely be a burden on that person and they will not want nothing to do with you after some point. They will avoid you like a plague and you will wonder what happened, but if you reflect you realize you were taking and not giving.

This is the same with marriage. If a women wants a man to provide, work hard, court her, emotionally be there for her, she should take from that of course, but also give a lot on the other side for a man himself (and no just taking care of the kids is not giving to him directly), but rather showing affection towards him, thanking your husband for his efforts, giving him encouragement, giving him a massage, being intimate with him with passion.

And similarly for a man if a women is giving you affection, taking care of your needs, being feminine, thank her for her efforts with the kids, show appreciation and affection, take her on a date only you and her, be thoughtful in your gifts to her, let her know verbally how beautiful she is, compliment her cooking, give on the other side.

A potential or a spouse that only takes and never gives is a BURDEN on a soul so please be mindful of each other and learn to give but also to take. Don’t be excess in either direction.

First for men

If a girl your talking too is not enthusiastic about you, she’s not easy and flexible when you want to talk and meetup, she takes a long time to reply, she never initiates, always make excuses, or gives you some interest but also gives you the behaviours above, don’t waste your time. Women are clear when they are interested, not necessarily saying she likes you but her actions and behaviours are clear and she would definitely clear everything to make time for you and reciprocate.

My brothers don’t make excuses for her, when the energy is not there and things are not being made easy for you, stop and find someone that shows genuine interest

“Always look at what she does and not what she says”

Women are hardwired to seek attention from the guy they like.

For women:

If a man puts in little to no effort, he’s not excited to talk to you and make time for you, he doesn’t initiate or call you back or text you back in a timely manner, he doesn’t show any curiosity about your life and your opinions, he talks a lot about himself, doesn’t remember things about you. Just know he’s not too busy, stop and don’t make excuses for him because everybody has time for what they want.

I would also add another layer, if a guy always agrees with you and you see he’s always mirroring your opinions all the time, he’s not being authentic. Difference of opinion must be there from time to time so look for it. You cannot trust a man that can’t say what he really thinks.

“Look at a man’s effort, curiosity about you and remembrance of details and not what he promises to do”

Men are hardwired to go for what they want

BOTTOM LINE: STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR THEM

Many people claim they are great communicators but I’ve noticed that when in a talking stage many cannot express their frustration but rather bottle them up until they resent the person.

A marriage cannot function if you can’t communicate when you’re frustrated. Communication when things are well to be honest doesn’t hold much weight because it’s easy to talk when you are in a good mood.

But I’m not sure if this is a generation issue but every potential I’ve talked too with the exception of one cannot communicate when frustrated and instead shuts down, gets passive aggressive slightly and just gives silent treatment.

Do you guys experience the same? What do you think the issue is?

So I’m under the impression that in Somali culture it’s ceeb to meet a girl in her home in talking stages before your parents meets her family. I remember trying to get to know a girl once and I met her in her house with her family around and my Hoyoo said it’s ceeb to do this since she hasn’t even met the family.

So I’m wondering in Somali culture can the guy not come to a girls house before her parents meet her?