surprised by grief years later
It's been a decade since we closed the door on having kids, and most days I love the life I'm living now. I successfully avoided triggers for a long time - no baby showers, focused on friendships with other childfree people, the things y'all intimately understand. I don't even go out of my way to avoid these things anymore, the issue just naturally faded away with time as we all got older.
But grief is sneaky! My husband asked me to go visit his cousin and her new baby with his parents, and I just did. not. want. to. go. I was surprised by my vehemence: surely I should be past this after all this time, right?
Having to perform joy for someone else while I'm reminded that this blissful newborn stage is something I'll never have but at one time desperately wanted...it's a lot. When I was actively grieving infertility, it was missing out on the pregnancy/infant stage that hurt the most. Add in that this was all to be in front of my inlaws and extended family, who are nice but have never really grasped the nature of our loss. I honestly felt incapable of pasting on a smile while the whole room cooed over mom and baby in a way I'll never experience.
Anyway, I lied and said I had to catch up on work and let them go without me. But I'm sitting here and kicking myself over it, feeling very stupid that I still feel this way 10 years on.
Just wanted to talk about it to one of the only groups of people who can understand.