u/Sorry-Adeptness-8645

My husband has a daughter (7) from a previous relationship who has been over on her breaks since she lives 8 hours away and that’s the only time we can get her while she’s in school. Everytime she comes over i’m always stuck taking care of her. My husband works all day and she just stays with me all day. I didn’t have any kids myself and it was draining. My whole summer revolved around her and I really wasn’t happy. She also isn’t the easiest child. Anything you do that may be off, she will tell her mother and her mother just needs a reason to complain or take you to court even though she’s not a good mom herself. (Lots of past issues with her but I really don’t think she’s a good mother based off what her daughter says, the environment she has her in that’s unstable , her daughter explicitly saying her mother loves her boyfriend more, and she wanted to miss her daughters birthday for someone else’s ) Anyways , his daughter doesn’t really respect me. For example I like my house to be clean, i know kids are dirty but she will purposely make things dirty and laugh about it calling me a clean freak. Like crumbs everywhere, throw toys and everything everywhere. She refused to pick stuff up and will say “no you do it”. She also has called me stupid in front of her father (which he has said nothing about but “stop it”) She throws things at me like a whisk we were making cake with. She also tells me that her dad loved her mother more and first, but i’m his wife , I wasn’t just his gf and she has never said such things near him. Now I have been nice to her. I buy her a bunch of clothes since she always comes with rags, i buy her toys, any desserts, food , basically anything she wants with my own money. I cook for her and take her out to the pool or where ever i’m going and I try to make it fun for her. I play with her and the list goes on. I have never disciplined her such as yell at her or anything. I leave that for her father to do which 99% he doesn’t. Her coming over is a nightmare for me and him, but he always says he misses her and wants her. I don’t understand because i’m stuck taking care of her completely and it’s just not soemthing I signed up for. Recently I had my own daughter. Obviously newborns are tough. I won’t be able to go out much or do anything aside from taking care of my baby. He wants his daughter to come for the summer. Even offered to pay me a babysitting fee. But I’m just too stressed and tired. I want to focus on my own child and I honestly hated taking care of his. I told him to only bring her if he will have time for her and to care for her because i’ve got my hands full. He works all day , im talking 9-9. I just can’t focus on someone else’s child. I already have i guess some resentment because my baby’s always compared to her. I hate that my daughters not even her own person without living in that girls shadow. His family also brought up how we should take her in , but why? So i take care of her full time. I do think kids her age should be with their mothers. It’s only right. Plus i won’t be able to discipline her. I also can’t have the family say it’s my fault if the kid grows up any type of way. The way kids grow up is already a reflection of the parents, I can’t have someone else’s child reflecting my parenting. Especially if I can’t even parent her. I won’t have her family say that I did wrong or anything. Babysitting for a week or a month isn’t the same as her just living with me. Am i the Asshole? I just don’t need that much pressure or responsibility. It’s not even my responsibility.

Edit: My husbands job offers 0 work life balance. It is an issue and pretty sad. But in this economy, this job is the only thing that lets us have some financial freedom and we can actually save some money for our kids and let the join activities like gymnastics and and ballet