Reflecting on a year NC
It’s been nearly a year NC with my dBPD mother, or perhaps over a year. I’m not sure of the exact date, only that it was sometime after Mother’s Day. And everything has been so much better, easier. I feel more relaxed and calm, I feel like I’m less short/tempered.
When I removed my wisdom teeth I had suddenly become aware that for years I was in a constant state of pain. I thought the pressure I felt in my mouth was normal and over time it was something I thought I was ignoring and desensitized to. Only after they were gone did I realize how much they affected me. And now my mother seems much the same.
I thought I had been doing well LC. And now I realize just how impossible it was, she was always in the back of my head and hurting me. I think the first year was mostly me processing this, I initially felt so conflicted about going NC. I thought I’d miss her, but I don’t.
It’s also made me aware of qualities I didn’t think I possessed. I never thought I was a people pleaser as I often fought back. But I realize now that I am. I almost wavered when my dad tried to pressure me, I felt instant panic and immediately tried to console and flatter him. Furthermore, I’ve become keenly aware of how many of my quirks are a result of her. I thought I just hated massages, I never worked out how I was forced to massage her.
I used to hang on to the good things about her and I’ve come to accept that those don’t really exist. Maybe they did as there was a time she did have actual friends, so surely she had to have some. But she was young, so maybe it was just that other people also being young were more immature and willing to accept bad behavior. Maybe I didn’t pick up on some or I wasn’t someone who could be a target yet.
Be that as it may, whatever good qualities could’ve existed have been so completely corroded away by her bad ones. The BPD seems to have only exacerbated her bad ones so much so that really it doesn’t seem like there’s much of a person left, just BPD itself taking human form. And now I just wonder what I was hanging around for. The memory of a mom who never existed for me? I thought I had accepted that she would never be who I wanted her to be, but clearly, there was a sliver of hope.
All this to say, a year out and I’m happy. For the people who are on the fence, jump off. You’ll feel lighter. Maybe not at first, we’ve been trained to feel bad. And then you might feel mad for a while and still more preoccupied with it than you hoped to be. And there might be some loops if they send flying monkeys your way. But I feel so much better, the pressure is gone. It wasn’t normal and it didn’t have to be there.
Looking forward to many more years NC! Also to add, I was afraid of her constantly harassing me and the only thing she has done is request permission to follow me on Instagram. Maybe it would be different if we lived on the same continent, but for all the worry I had that NC would make her do something drastic or constantly harass me and nothing at all has happened (she is blocked on my phone). They were just empty threats.