u/SoulcheckDan

So I care for a loved-one. No real family. No good alternatives for care. I'm in my late 20s.

And you know how isolating this work can be. A lot of us don't receive the kind of support (esp. community support) that we need. And the kind of work we do is often invisibilised -- especially for those of us who work at home. It can really feel like dropping-out of the "real world". No commute to work. No coworkers. And in my case, my LO is my boss and my client and the person I live with and my longest relationship.

The work of maintenance, care, is often undervalued, taken for granted, and the stigma of disability adds on to it -- I mean, how many friends have I lost because they couldn't handle my LO's condition? How many loved ones keep 'forgetting' I have a 'real' job, that I'm employed as a caregiver?

Putting up with the shitty behavior that often comes with ill-health. Putting your needs second. The routines and monotony. Being interrupted all the time. Swallowing your pride. Feel me?

Anyway, all that to ask what is maybe a pretty personal question: do any of you find yourselves thinking of yourself as subordinate and subordinated? Like, serial second-banana? Like you'll always be a supporting-character? A sidekick? Less-than?

I value this work, care-work, I think it's important, and special. But it's also kinda shit.

I feel like the "normal world" left me behind. I can't relate to other people's lives. I feel alienated by TV shows and movies. I'm envious; I'd give a pinkie-finger to have any low-end public-facing job, or even after-work drinks, or just coworkers.

Anybody else feel like you'll always be just somebody else's shadow?

I'm wondering how all of you manage frustration while caregiving.

After just 3 years of caregiving through burnout, I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep my temper in check. It's not a productive sort of anger, it's just rage or frustration that boils up (sometimes at being interrupted, sometimes at LO's manerisms or inoffensive stuff like that). I try not to express it, because I know it's unfair to the person I take care of. After 3 years of being cooped up together, it's like this person's very self-expression pisses me off.

I know that's unfair. I know I'm this person's only support, that I'm one of the few people truly on their side. I know that what they're going through is extremely rough. They have a right to as much independence as I can grant them, fault of other supports. Clearly, it's not their fault for needing things. Why do I get so mad at reasonable requests?

My therapist says that anger is the part of us that loves us most. Not sure what to think of that.

How do other caregivers deal with anger? How do you understand your anger? How do you try not to direct it at the person you take care of? Would love to hear from you.

I'm 25, taking care of my bedbound 31 year-old partner. You hear a lot about family-members who become caregivers at a young age; I'm wondering about other people in my situation. My partner's family is friendly, but live very far away and are happy to commend and thank me for the work I do for their child, without really helping. Our friends have gradually dissappeared because they're all uncomfortable around someone that sick, or unwilling to make the commitment of being friends with someone who needs a lot of accommodations. I'm lucky to be part of a paid program for "natural" caregivers, but sometimes I resent my partner's parents for being unable to help.

My partner's condition is such that either I'll be at his bedside as he dies in the next couple of years, or he'll live for the next decade -- nobody knows. I've been his caretaker for 3 years -- sometimes I think I won't last another year, and sometimes I think I'll never be able to leave. I'd give about anything to have a menial job, just to get out of the house, but he requires care nearly 24/7. I try to be strong, and keep being pleasant and kind, but it's hard. My social life and personal life are almost just a void. I'm dealing with burnout and depression. Sometimes the only thing I can do is mechanically go through the motions and pretend like I don't hate every single part of my life. But I'm trying to stay fair to my partner, because he's going through the toughest shit, I'm just catching flack.

Still, it takes an enormous amount of patience and humility and generosity to keep going without showing bitterness or resentment, and I'm tired of trying so hard. And I never planned to spend the rest of my life with this person, but if I leave them they'll be completely alone and at the mercy of a medical system that would deny them most of their extant independence.

Anyone relate? Anyone been or is in a similar siatuation? And, I'm asking selfishly, has anyone been in a similar situation and left?