r/WellSpouses

I feel like I shouldn't even be posting here. My problems are small in comparison to others, and I know that my life could be worse, but I just need to scream into a void. And if anyone happens to have a magical trick to getting through the next 6mo, please let me know.

My husband has stage 3 lymphoma and we're finally about halfway through with treatment, which I thought would make him happy but instead he's become even crabbier. I have been taking care of everything the last few months; keeping track of his meds, solving the nausea problems, making sure he gets enough fiber, staying up when he's in pain at 2am, tracking his moods and giving him space, driving to and from appointments all while working 45-50 hours a week. On his off-treatment weeks he's able to help out around the house, but he can no longer take any criticism and if I ask him what he wants for dinner I've asked the most trivial question. He's always been the one to cook for us and find restaurants, but suddenly I'm the enemy for asking if he had something in mind. Yesterday I got a lecture about how annoying it is when I dance around the kitchen while I cook, something I've done for the 10 years we've been together and he used to say was cute.

This week he told me how he feels alone because no one understands that even a "good day" is only good relative to his cancer. I feel so sad that I can't truly understand what he's going through, but never in any of these moments where he wants to talk about his feelings am I feeling like I'm being considered. I also feel alone. I also feel like no one understands how I'm feeling. I know his pain is greater, but I'm so tired and so lonely. And I feel guilty when I feel like this because I'm not even fighting cancer. I admitted to him last week that I just feel like I'm not doing enough and I'm failing because we are so behind on laundry and when I cried he got frustrated with me.

We are coming up on our first wedding anniversary, and this is just not the attitude I want to have going into a weekend that we've been really looking forward to. I just can't seem to do anything right anymore and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. We aren't on the same brainwave right now and I hate it. I hate cancer. I hate this damn hospital and everyone in it (except chemo nurses. We love them). I hate everything right now and just want my husband back.

Not sure where to turn or who to ask, but would really appreciate any help with getting family (Partner and son) over to UK. Our brother is currently in full time care and has been for 10 months at the time of posting. Partner and son outside UK, what are the best/most practical ways to get them here to settle and take care of him. Our brother is on UC (DWP) but awaiting PIP. Does he qualify to bring them, if so what does that look like with the current earnings criteria or lack of home/housing for his partner and son? Our brother has settled status.

Immigration solicitors seem very costly, even just for a consultation, let alone any actual case work.

Our questions are:

1. Is there a way for our brother and his family to be reunited?
2. What does that look like?
3. Does he currently qualify under the current earnings criteria?
4. How does he even start the process?

Thank you 🙏🏽

My husband was recently diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I'm laid off from work until the end of August but I'm already exhausted. I hate being in charge of everything. He doesn't want to know a lot about his illness - just what he has to do. I'm good at keeping track of the meds and the appointments. It's really the other every day things. I now do all the chores and make all the decisions. When something happens (the electricity went out in part of the house, a huge tree branch fell) and I don't know what to do, he doesn't even engage in discussion about it. He just seems content that I will handle it. I've actually gotten a lot of help from AI and reddit - I know they don't always give fool proof advice but it's been all I have. It is so exhausting and lonely. My mom passed away on 6/17 (she wasn't very supportive and we didn't have a great relationship but still). I have 2 sisters who offer a little moral support. He has a sister but she is caring for her own husband who is currently worse off. Our neighbors hate us. We have a few friends who stop by sometimes but that is it. When I go back to work (if I can go back to work), I plan to hire a caregiver to come in at least a few times a week. I used one with my mom. I know my husband won't like it but we've already talked about it. The one I used did hygiene care and some housekeeping. I told him even if someone just came and did some cleaning it would help me. Plus he needs social interaction besides just me.

I'm the carer for my husband. He's got CRPS, several failed back surgeries, a failed neck fusion and extreme pain every. single. day.

I understand he's in pain. I understand that he feels hopeless. I understand he's frustrated. But the constant complaining... Constant refusal to even get up to get a soda. I'm so weary of doing absolutely everything asked of me because he's in too much pain. I tried to explain to him it's a good idea to try to move a little now and then and it's like he doesn't even hear me. I will continue to care for him because I love him and I truly am sorry he's suffering and I'm also frustrated I can't help his pain the way he needs. He's not on any pain meds, and won't be (that's another long story) I am just so frustrated and I feel a bit hopeless myself. Thanks for reading.

Thank you for sharing. I am 31F and my husband is 32M. He is a type 2 diabetic but you think he had every disease in the world the way he acts. I'm his second wife, but I didn't know that until after we moved in. His family lied to me about his health and just everything. We have been together almost 7 years and every year we spend 10 out of thr 12 months in the ER all because he doesn't take care of himself. I have changed everything, jobs, food diet, intimacy needs, ignored my own health until the point is was hospitalized and yet still I bend over backwards to take care of him. I also limit public outing because he needs constant bathroom breaks or he will have an accident. I tell him to hold it just for a few minutes and he refuses and will go on himself, like a child. He can't hold a job and tends to just lay around all day and do nothing unless I nag him. I'm so angry and resentful most days. I got a 2 bed apartment just so I can have space from him. I have put off having g children because he is a child. I'm so miserable

I went into the town centre this morning, not because I needed anything, but simply because I wanted to get away. Everyone at home was still asleep, so I just got up and left.

I wandered around the shopping centre, browsing through a few shops without really looking for anything. Eventually I sat down for over an hour, just watching people go by. Couples, families, people laughing and just living what felt like normal lives.

The hardest part was that I really didn't want to go home. For a while, all I wanted to do was run away.

I hate feeling like this because I love my partner, and I know she loves me too. This isn't about a lack of love. It's about feeling like I'll never have a normal life again, and that thought is really starting to get to me.

I'm writing this now, lying on the sofa with no hope of getting any sleep tonight. I'm exhausted, frustrated, and incredibly angry. I don't want to keep feeling this way, but right now I don't know how to stop it.

There seems to be no true solutions for us younger married caregivers to have lives beyond what is.

Again...I am 49F, taking care of my 52M husband with cognitive impairment and post impairment syndrome/CP.

I see my life fading away before my eyes and knowing there is no way I have to change any of it.

There's no possibility of divorce, it would devastate my husband and his family. And id rather not do that either, but I also hate being stuck in this just because I am married. People have noticed that I am not the same happy person I used to be. Minus the family...they dont seem to care how I am doing, which I have talked about before.

There is another alternate life I could have with someone else, but no way of attaining it. I would love to have a true marriage again, to just be myself and a wife, instead of a caregiver...to be able to go and do things id like to do instead of work and stress and being in charge all the time.

But I dont see any ways of it happening....my husband is not morbidly ill. We are both still fairly young.

Im just tired of everything mundanely the same.

When I think of never having hope of a different life, I feel like all the life is just seeping out of me. I cant NOT have hope, but the reality of said hope, is as slender as a spiderweb thread.

There is nothing the same anymore in my life. I feel like im always on edge unless I have a day off, which is not often.

I don't want my life to be this way forever

My (37) partner (37) and I used to love weekends, especially long weekends, with our kids (4 and under 1). But since my partner's brain hemorrhage and additional strokes at the start of the year they've quickly become my nightmare.

I especially hit a wall last night knowing that I had a full day more to entertain the kids while my partner slept.

I'm stuck. I can't leave our house and leave them alone. I feel guilty asking people to help with the kids and them being said they don't get time with me when I'm not working and can play with them.

All while I am slowly falling apart. I've done my best to stay strong until now. But last night when both kids were crying, the dog was barking, and my partner was trying to tell me everything I was doing wrong with the kids I hit a breaking point.

I love my partner and want to support them in whatever our journey looks like - but even this feels like a moment I have no idea what to do or how to survive.

I've been looking for a community of younger caregivers and had to type this out just to get it off my chest.

I'm so depressed with life lately. I feel like everyone else is living their best life while ours is on hold. We're both depressed, he takes medicine for his - I'm trying to be all natural 🫠 (he's still very depressed even with medicine). I'm in perimenopause and that's not helping things. We don't have any intimacy at all or even talk much (he's never been great with that). Not to give too many details on this public forum, but his sickness is one that he can't work and he doesn't even leave the house except Dr appointments. It's a weird place I'm in that I'm grieving his death but he's still alive. I am feeling myself getting angry with people that they "feel sorry" for us, but at the end of the day they're still going out to eat and taking vacations and don't have to keep a bag packed for the hospital just in case. I'm a happy, outgoing person and don't want to lose that 😭

I have been a Wellspouse for 25 years. We are in our 70's now. But things are getting scary. My husband has fallen 4 times this month, and last night he really hit his head and back hard. He's been in bed all day and will only take acetaminophen for his pain although he has pain meds for his degenerating spine. I am so helpless! I usually take all his medical issues in stride, but this has unnerved me. I guess I'm realizing his health is only getting worse. I have no idea what's next. All I can do is have faith that a God I don't understand knows why life has to be so difficult for some folks. Thanks for listening!

I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for almost five years and I feel like a terrible person. He has a long list of disabilities that makes it hard for him to keep a job. I have been paying all of our expenses by myself for the past two years. I have no money in my savings because we have to live paycheck to paycheck. He has applied for disability before but it has never been approved. I never take time off or call out of work. I have not been on vacation since I was 17. I love him but I feel like his mother. I know it’s not his fault but this isn’t the life I want to live. I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way. I do not make enough to afford therapy and I just feel lost. If i try to talk to my friends about the situation I am met with pity and sorrow. I don’t know what to do. Please help. Any advice is welcomed. I love him a lot but I don’t know how much more love I have to give.

My partner has congenital heart disease. Had a pacemaker put in at 14 years old, had open heart surgery to have a ring put around their mitral valve at 19 years old. They are now 37, and the past 18 years have been pretty normal - they see the cardiologist yearly, and adjust their meds as needed. They are super active and there's not much they can't do.

The past 3 weeks have been anything but normal. They were admitted to the hospital in heart failure, were discharged after a bunch of tests and putting off a ton of retained fluid, and now they need another surgery. It might be open heart, or not. We don't know.

I am not the "well spouse" in the same way as a lot of other people. My partner doesn't have any cognitive challenges. They have very few physical limitations. But I'm having trouble finding the support I need so I can pour into them.

Thank you <3

My wife is currently undergoing disability approval with a lawyer, while also having more health issues pop up.. because of this I’ve decided I need to be with her full time. She has no other friends/family to help her and rightfully so she is horrified.
I’m trying to figure out how I can continue to bring in an income for us while taking care of her.. we live in Illinois. We applied for IHSS then I realized spouses can’t be paid.
Any suggestions?

I’ve never posted on Reddit before but I have no one else to talk to about this. Me (26F) and my partner (26F) of eight years are on our first vacation with my family. She’s always struggled with mental illness from childhood abuse, two skin diseases, cyclic vomiting and other sensitivities. But she’s been almost totally out of commission for the last 5 months with what we now know are serious digestive problems, kidney stones (six, too big to pass) and kidney cysts. It makes it almost impossible for her to eat without painful bloating, extreme nausea, and frightening bowel movements. As such, she’s cut out a whole bunch of different foods, incl. but not limited to meat, dairy, processed sugars, caffeine, alcohol, white breads, natural and artificial red foods, etc. She’s also been vegetarian for the last 5 years and my family has known this. This will be relevant soon.
We had agreed to this vacation before she started having any problems, so as the trip approached, we had continuous conversations about whether or not she still felt like she could come along. She decided to come, and I know she really wanted to, but it’s been much harder for her than we thought or prepared for.
Bless my family but they can be so thoughtless when it comes to her needs. We know they can be self-centred from previous struggles we had when I started dating her and came out to them. We thought we prepared enough for this, but now they’ve put me at my wits end. From mouldy fruit and juice, to serving red meat with no alternatives, to throwing out her half-eaten food because they finished before her, she’s feeling more and more like shit emotionally and physically. We’re only three days into the week-long trip. I’ve told my parents how fragile her health is and I even went and bought her special groceries, but neither of those things have helped much. My mom has been the only one to make an effort to check up on us and help her feel included.
I feel totally at a loss and she feels like a huge burden. I was (and am) so happy that she’s here but now I feel like I’ve put her in harm’s way. I’m devastated at how this trip is turning out so far. What’s more is I think that my younger sisters are upset that I’m not spending as much time with them as they hoped because I’m getting some serious cold shoulder. I also wanted to propose to her on this trip and now I’m thinking it might not be a good time (maybe the right time never comes but we’ve both been so excited about it).
If anyone’s been through something similar and has any advice on how to cope or be a better support to her, it would go a really long way. She’s my everything and it doesn’t feel like my family takes us seriously at all.

TLDR: Struggling on vacation with my long-term partner who has extreme food sensitivities + chronic illness and my family who seem too self-involved to remember.

Just venting. This is analogous to almost everyday.
Wife had had MS 20 years. Now on disability, they forced her to retire from work.
…….she takes forever to finish any task and even then there’s a mess left or it’s done halfway.
Never asks for help.
This morning, she had an ultra important appointment online. Spent entire day previous prepping. Today comes and none of her prep is relevant to the appointment.
It’s frigging maddening.
This is every day around here

Im not sure what the right thing to do is. Backstory is I (41F) came home from work 4 days ago and discovered my husband (46M) on the ground of our bathroom purple and basically dead. I used two doses of Narcan and he was revived. He was taken by ambulance and it it was the most horrific scary traumatic thing I have ever gone through and I am still very much fucked up over it. He went to the hospital and has since started taking Suboxone. Mentally he is still pretty messed up he has been a user for a very, very long time.

I go on a yearly trip with family and it is very important to me. It’s the only trip I take pretty much all year. However, I am supposed to leave tomorrow and that would leave him alone. He’s insisting that I should go that he will be fine, but I don’t know that he will also he refuses to tell anybody in his family or mine the real truth behind what happened so I am literally his only support network right now I’m in being forced to lie and cover for him about his addiction. I’m not sure whether I should still go or insist I stay home to help him during this difficult part of getting of opioids.

Okay this is SUPER specific but if I can find it anywhere - it'll be here.

Does anyone have an IS with aphasia (or other brain injury affecting language) and ethically non-monogamous?

Short story. IS has brought up over the years that I should seek other relationships. Now that I'm considering it - I question if he really understands and is okay with it? I want to be open and honest about it but since he can't fully communicate - I'm not sure how to go about it and if I should.

If anyone can relate I'd love to hear about it.

For context I'm 45f, IS is 50m. Caretaking for 18 years and married for 26.

My husband was diagnosed with brain cancer 4 years ago and it’s been a tough old journey. He’s a totally different person and I’m miserable. He still works in an adjusted role and is generally ok but has bad days where his cognitive ability is lower. There is no intimacy, no equal partnership, he has mood swings. I’m miserable and long for my freedom. I feel like my choice is stay and lose my mind or leave and lose my friends. It’s so unfair that these are my choices.

Good morning everyone, I 42m have become the caretaker for my wife 38f after a massive left hemisphere hemorrhagic stroke. There is no prognosis of meaningful recovery. She's not on machines but she has a PEG and a tracheostomy.

My main question.....I have 8 and 6 year old daughters. What are some ways to help / prevent them from into an assisted caretaker roll as they grow. I want them to be kids and go experience life not feel relegated to a caretaker life. I'm sure there will be some run over, but for those that have navigated this with young kids.... how do you keep them kids, young teens, etc...I hope that makes sense.

Today feels huge.

It's been 8 days since my husband nearly died twice from severe blood loss, and today we finally see our family doctor. I'm trying to hold onto hope that we leave with more than just another appointment or another "wait and see."

I'm overwhelmed. I'm exhausted. I've spent the last week researching, keeping track of blood pressure, hemoglobin levels, symptoms, transfusions, and writing pages of questions because right now it feels like I'm the one trying to piece together a puzzle that nobody has answers for.

More than anything, I need a plan.

Not just what happens if his hemoglobin crashes again, but how we're going to find out why it keeps happening. Getting blood every few days isn't a solution—it's buying time.

I'm trying to stay strong for both of us, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. Hospitals are incredibly difficult for us after losing our daughter, and this whole experience has brought so much of that trauma back.

If you could spare some positive thoughts, prayers, or simply hope that today brings answers and a clear path forward, we'd really appreciate it. ❤️