*Screams into a pillow for the 5th time this week*
I feel like I shouldn't even be posting here. My problems are small in comparison to others, and I know that my life could be worse, but I just need to scream into a void. And if anyone happens to have a magical trick to getting through the next 6mo, please let me know.
My husband has stage 3 lymphoma and we're finally about halfway through with treatment, which I thought would make him happy but instead he's become even crabbier. I have been taking care of everything the last few months; keeping track of his meds, solving the nausea problems, making sure he gets enough fiber, staying up when he's in pain at 2am, tracking his moods and giving him space, driving to and from appointments all while working 45-50 hours a week. On his off-treatment weeks he's able to help out around the house, but he can no longer take any criticism and if I ask him what he wants for dinner I've asked the most trivial question. He's always been the one to cook for us and find restaurants, but suddenly I'm the enemy for asking if he had something in mind. Yesterday I got a lecture about how annoying it is when I dance around the kitchen while I cook, something I've done for the 10 years we've been together and he used to say was cute.
This week he told me how he feels alone because no one understands that even a "good day" is only good relative to his cancer. I feel so sad that I can't truly understand what he's going through, but never in any of these moments where he wants to talk about his feelings am I feeling like I'm being considered. I also feel alone. I also feel like no one understands how I'm feeling. I know his pain is greater, but I'm so tired and so lonely. And I feel guilty when I feel like this because I'm not even fighting cancer. I admitted to him last week that I just feel like I'm not doing enough and I'm failing because we are so behind on laundry and when I cried he got frustrated with me.
We are coming up on our first wedding anniversary, and this is just not the attitude I want to have going into a weekend that we've been really looking forward to. I just can't seem to do anything right anymore and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. We aren't on the same brainwave right now and I hate it. I hate cancer. I hate this damn hospital and everyone in it (except chemo nurses. We love them). I hate everything right now and just want my husband back.