Sister with BPD
My sister and I have been very close our whole life. She is 28 (F) and I am F (22). We’ve always had a turbulent relationship and now I feel I’m at cross roads. Recently she was diagnosed with BPD and I want to support and help her but it’s been hard and I’m not sure how to navigate it.
She often times lashes out on me and gaslights me, it’s really impacting our relationship. When she’s not mad she’s the best sister but when things get bad they are bad. For example, this has been happening constantly since November and I’m mentally defeated.
My mom and step dad were coming to town to visit my sister and I and everyone was excited. Plans shifted a lot and they were supposed to stay with my bf and I the last 2 days of their 1 week trip and my sister the first night. My sister needed to swap and have them end with her so we accommodated no problem.
The day comes and my family lands at 5pm. That day I call my sister to plan the night at 8am before work, she is busy and then I get swept into constant work until 2pm. 2pm comes and I tell my mom my bf and I are able to pick them up just so she doesn’t call a uber and worry when home.
As soon as I text my mom I text my sister that we can go together and plan something. I know it was last minute and that’s my bad, but neither of us planned it so I thought we could work something out. Plus we had a understanding we would be together the whole trip
Immediately she is cursing me out saying I put men first and I ruined the trip, I’m too stoned to remember to talk to her and ask, I’m disgusting and etc. A lot of viole words. She even starts saying things to my mom. Given we live a subway ride away from each other so my intention was we all would be together as a family the whole time. I understand if she’s upset but it was insane. She says she doesn’t want to see anyone because the family is garbage despite my family traveling across the country.
Even with her anger we pick up my parents and my mom and I stop at her place to see if she’s good. Again she’s cursing me out telling me to go wait in the car and I have no right knocking at her door. Our intention was to make sure she was not having a mental health crisis and see if we could talk to her and spend the night together.
It lasted days and just got uglier and uglier. Fast forward one week, we work it out and I forgive her. We hung out about 5-6 times the next week and had an amazing time. Sunday comes and she is teaching a wellness class, I typically try to go but the classes are $35 and adding up. My dad also just died in May so I have a lot of random expenses hitting me and I’m trying to manage. I am okay financially but I am also trying to budget after some big bills so this week I decided not to attend her yoga class and told her I would go but this week it’s a bit expensive.
Despite not going to her class, I go to her house after for a planned hangout and immediately upon walking in I ask her how it went.
She instead makes insulting comments, “it was good with the people who support me. You say $35 dollars is too much for you but you don’t have that restriction when buying weed or alcohol or hanging out with your friends. Just saying it’s pathetic. I hang out with you enough to see your actions. Don’t use that bs as an excuse.” I understand she’s upset I didn’t go but she continues to take it to another level. Then again she curses at me, and I tell her I feel judged and analyzed instead of comfortable hanging out with her. She takes it further and says if my friends judge me why can’t she, which is not true. And then kicks me out for yelling at her house when I try to explain the classes we’re adding up and I’m trying to respect my budget until next month.
Not sure what to do. This continues to happen every week it seems. I don’t wanna hurt her feelings and want to be a better sister but when she is saying I’m disgusting, pathetic, and to stoned to think it’s hard to navigate and I feel confused. It gets heated quick and I have learned to disengage but it seems like one thing I do that she doesn’t agree with turns into tearing me apart. Now I’m constantly confused if I’m the shitty person or gaslight constantly