u/South-Visual3803

Basically, I think they forgot me 😂 I had my appointment almost 3 weeks ago so I emailed to say “yo am I eligible or shall I go elsewhere “ .. approved within hours!

I’ve order 3 different strains to use because fuck me, I need to get my happy pain free body back.

I’ve got a list of things to balance;
CPTSD
ADHD
PMDD
Insomnia (severe/ days with no sleep but no bipolar or schizophrenia)
Fibromyalgia/ Neuropathic pain from sports injuries and several nervous breaks.
Anorexia (recovered from bulimia into some other hell)

I was handed mirtazipine by the nhs but I hate it, it makes the concerta work less efficiently and sure, I’m ‘numb’ but I don’t feel like me.

I used bm cannabis four years ago for just under a year and I was smashing the gym, slept well, was none symptomatic with the cptsd, PMDD was in remission.

Idk, I just feel sad I’ve gone in so many circles, so I gave myself ego death twice with 🍄 in the past 6 months and my brain feels ‘cleaner’, a system reset.

I’m committed to use this as medication, it’s not to get ‘high’. It’s to recalibrate and give myself back the gift of life that abuse took from me.

I completely understand why people enjoy being high, it can be fun. But I just want to do some studying online, get back to feeling in my own body, to eat well and exercise appropriately. Hopefully one day to be employed again but I accept my limitations.

The only time I managed to achieve full functionality was with a Pax 3. I’ve done every therapy I could afford I have the knowledge but my nervous system seems to get stuck.

Im 31, I want to be free, to be open to meeting a partner. I want a simple life and a family.

Idk why canabis is demonised. My uncle died from a heroin overdose. Emotional pain destroys lives.

I just want to be me.

Is CPTSD a sort of inward BPD?

Like it depends how you get diagnosed.

I can’t remember where I got this from exactly.

But some quack on zoom diagnosed me with eupd in 2023 but the nhs constantly say NO.

You have CPTSD. (Plus ocd/ adhd/ bulimia/ anorexia/ PMDD/ depression/ anxiety)

Like it’s really specific what triggers me - and it is men and alcohol. So I avoid both.

I had boob scans for cancer last week and I’ve been hallucinating a man’s face that abused me as a teen.

I tried to kill myself 4 years ago - after a large age gap dating phase with someone who mimicked the abuser. Literally same mannerisms, creeped me out for 6 months, hounding me at work/ I was trapped.

Im struggling with WHY the ultrasound and examination triggered me so much, I have no attachment to the radiologist, I just feel violated and once again terrified to go outside. I had a little flirt with someone who’s actually pleasant to me on Wednesday and I want to throw up.

I am really aware and have good insight, (I’ve seen a female NHS psychiatrist this week) she explained the dissociation, textbook adhd, PTSD symptoms. Like I’ve been told autistic traits but I’m starting to realise I’m not actually that autistic at all when I’m well.

But currently my vision is fucked, fibromyalgia, numbness in my limbs, hands, missing sleep, hallucinations of the man’s face which terrifies me and I’m pouring sweat.

I’ve been crying in the shower, naming emotions, and I’ve calmed down. It’s really frustrating that I’m essentially hallucinating a whole fear based reality that doesn’t exist.

The present moment exists and I much choose to be calm and grounded (all whilst in agony and seeing potential threats). It’s.. weird. It’s taking so much time to just ‘calm down’.

I was almost talking myself into a&e an hour ago. I was spiralling big time. But I’m not suicidal anymore because I do like me, I am a good human and I want to contribute to society. I don’t want to harm myself or my family or community.

So what would A&E do if I walk in mute say in a corner?

It does makes me wonder are ‘all’ psychiatric symptoms a result of different traumas?

It’s just different brain responses?

I felt like a victim for a while but now I’m just angry/ sad that I’m the one left picking up the pieces unable to work because I can’t control the fear response in me currently.

I’ve agreed to try mirtazipine to improve sleep and digestion (still a bit anorexic from attempting to starve myself into a non sexual body/ to feel safe) but PMDD is worse.

I also said I would be open to Quitiapine low does. But want to research it first. Lamotragine didn’t help me historically and I got worried about side effects.

I know I’m not psychotic, but I fear it - I’m scared the hallucinations might spill over more into my wakeful hours.

I am so tired ☹️ But at almost 32 I’m looking back at my life scratching my head saying “if it was anyone else you would accept its trauma”.

I just don’t know how to make a new future - well I do. But it’s hard.

I’m being referred to a neurologist hopefully too as I had a mini stroke from sleep deprivation and over exercise in the gym 3 months before the suicide attempt in 2022. (Probably key info)

I DONT WANT MEDICATION

I want to just live.

I’m so fucking ANGRY .. aka.. upset ☹️