why do these things happen
i dont fully understand myself or ECT's entire effect on my brain both emotionally and the way i function. for a bit of backstory ive dealt with suicidal thoughts since i was 8, i was diagnosed with mdd at 12 and in and out of hospitalizations for attempts and SI, medication doesnt do me much. i started ECT at 15. im 18 now but it wasnt continuously. i had about a year break before restarting. at home and with friends im fine i guess, like im normal and i can laugh and joke, i play phone games but yeah when im alone i just kinda sulk too with depressing media, but its mostly me just reflecting on my past and making myself upset. my main issue is just nonstop SI in the background, it gets so loud at times but i never had the genuine will to continue living, i just feel so forced and miserable deep down, i feel so lonely and a deep feeling of just nobody knowing me and feeling like im keeping the biggest secret, i dont even know what it is but i feel so closed up despite trying to explain these feelings occasionally. if i do get them out it never goes through anyones ears.
Firstly, The emotional effect ECT has on me is odd, Going into the before prep being asked questions about myself and being confronted about how im doing sets me off internally. The situation will start to feel real and serious, a lot of the time i find myself freezing, i hear my heart speed up in the heart monitor, i feel my breathing get shallow and im about to break. my throat locks and i can almost never get out any words and end up just staring at the wall or floor holding back tears but eventually i get it under control and swallow it down and then i am calm again and able to speak but not always answer their questions. maybe this is like a panic attack, but is it if it happens so often? its always during ECT or appointments about my mental health and i always get caught in my throat. I feel like its impossible to speak, like ill break, sometimes i do cry a bit in front of the staff but its just shedding a couple tears and then pulling myself together.
Secondly, I find myself starting to panic before going under anesthesia, not because of fear but because i start to think "this isn't working" "something is wrong with me" again my breathing will speed up or get shallow and tears just pour, im pretty decent at holding back any noises, i never make a sound while crying but in actuality im honestly such a crybaby, i feel bad, sometimes the staff will hold my hand as i go under anesthesia or i find myself crying and someone will be stroking my hair.
Thirdly, I get Ketamine for anesthesia and this has happened about 4 times where I feel so raw down to my soul. I know this is not uncommon but its so strange, interesting, feels so real but it can partly also be upsetting. It happens after i fall asleep but am not fully awake, what i see is stange light which im assuming is the bright light through my closed eyes. i have heard mumbling, i heard my name before and thought "oh, thats me, i need to respond to that" i feel so separate from my body, it feels like my TRUE self, like how we are our brains rather than our bodies. It was strange, I felt like i was only some atoms rather than human, it felt like i needed to hold my inner self together, it reminded me of how life is so odd, i see the weird lights, hear the nurses mumbling, smell the IV, and think it's so odd how far technology has come and how they are trying to cure me. it gets upsetting because i usually question everything i think and try to understand myself. but feeling so raw i heard my thoughts DIRECTLY, no questioning. I started to just think "I hate myself so much"
"this is stupid, why am i doing this to just get better and work my whole life"
"this isn't worth the trouble"
or it makes me think about and understand people who commit crimes or hurt others just to cause distress so people can feel hurt too
it will just keep going on more and i will think
"I wouldn't mind if i were to die, then i wouldn't have to deal with anything, if i did i wouldn't even feel the worry of what would happen after since there is just the complete end of your thoughts and brain."
but then i start to think im so embarrassed of myself and my existence, it turns into "i wish i could erase myself from everyone's memory, then i could die peacefully"
"i should fix myself but it's not worth it, id rather stay this way"
i know this is what i think but when i wake up i forget the feeling until i remember, it sometimes feels like i lost the real me since it makes my thoughts so clear, depressing or not
maybe this is just the way i am though