Why have I never experienced romantic attention despite wanting love so badly?
I’m 20f and I’ve never had a real romantic relationship. Not even close honestly. Mostly just online misunderstandings or situations that never became anything. I usually meet those guys through games or anonymous chats when I’m bored late at night, sometimes while under substances, and then I get attached too easily even if nothing real is happening. The weird part is that things usually start happening even before they see my face, so now I constantly overthink and wonder if there’s just something deeply wrong with my appearance.
The guys I genuinely like never like me back. In real life it feels even worse. I try to talk to them, get closer to them, show interest, and I even confessed my feelings twice before. Both times I basically got ignored afterward. Not even awkward reactions, they just stopped looking in my direction completely like I disappeared.
Whenever I meet men, they usually end up interested in someone else, often even my friends. I feel like I’m just a catalyst for other people’s love stories instead of having my own.
What makes this confusing is that I actually cared about relationships since I was around 14. I remember feeling hurt watching other girls get attention from boys while I got bullied or ignored. Back then I was very quiet and emotionally distant because I was scared of attachment in general, even friendships.
Now it completely flipped. I have friends now and consider myself actually very bubbly and warm when I feel comfortable around someone. However, I do not go out with them, everyone is being busy with their own affairs lately and, to be honest, I hate big companies. But I’m almost always outside, walking around, studying at university, working, doing hobbies, trying new things, keeping myself busy and productive ( although now it’s becoming difficult to focus on anything else because wanting a relationship takes up so much space in my head). I spent so much time outside the house that logically I should have met someone by now, but it still feels like nobody notices me romantically at all.
Then I come home and cry and honestly I end up ruining the mood for my family and friends. I just crave connection so badly now and it honestly destroys my relationships with my close ones and my self esteem that I’ve never even been asked out on a date.
I just want to understand why this keeps happening to me and what I’m supposed to fix. If anyone can read my chart and maybe explain emotional patterns, blocks, or relationship issues, I’d really appreciate it.