Feeling Confused
Hello, I’m not experienced with making Reddit posts, so I apologize for any issues with the formatting! I’ve been having some confusing feelings regarding my gender, and I don’t have any friends in the LGBTQ+ community that I’m close enough with to confide in about this, so I thought I might ask here.
I’m 30 years old, AMAB, and for the past two weeks I’ve been identifying privately as non-binary. The only people I’ve told about it are my wife and my mother, both of whom know I’ve struggled with gender identity pretty much my whole life, and know that I’m still trying to figure all of this out.
I’ve never had any problems with being a man really, it’s more that I’ve always felt connected to the thought of being a woman as well. So rather than not feeling like either gender, I feel like both at the same time? I like being called pretty, beautiful, or being perceived as feminine. But I also like being called handsome, or when my wife calls me “her man”.
I’ve had these thoughts crop up several times in my life, but always kind of buried them because I convinced myself that I was born a male, and so that was what I had to be. Nowadays I had thoughts that maybe I should just accept it, and even if I’m not “out”, at least I could make peace with myself knowing who I was.
The problem, I would say, lies with the fact that I’m still not 100% sure how I feel! For the past year or so I’ve been painting my toenails, as a way to express my femininity without being obvious out in public. I’ve lately been experimenting with make up when I’m at home as well. I’d like to graduate maybe to painting my fingernails, and getting a cute earring or something, to present femininity without it being too clear to outsiders what it is I’m doing. I’ve also been growing my hair out, so I can style it into different kinds of ponytails.
The thing is, I also keep a short beard, and I mostly dress like a “traditional” male as well. Rather than wanting to be androgynous or anything like that, I feel like I want to display traits of both male and female styles without exactly screaming to the world that I’m non-binary, because I live in an area where it isn’t safe to do that.
But that creates doubt in me, where I’m not sure if I’m really a woman as well as a man, or just want to be an effeminate man. That’s where most of the confusion comes in. So what I’m wanting to ask is, has anyone had experiences like this, and how did you finally realize how it was you really felt, and who it really was that you are?
I’m sorry if this ended up being too long, and thank you to anyone who took the time to read it!