i want to move out but i don’t know where to start
hello, ive never posted on here before and im really really bad at explaining things because im autistic, but ill try my best so hopefully someone can give me a little advice.
so, im 17 and like i mentioned, autistic with a diagnosis. im not diagnosed with anxiety, but im almost 100% positive i have it because im so terrified of social interactions and talking about things like this, and i still feel really scared to ask my carers for things even though ive lived with them for 4 years.
i really want to move out next year when im 18 because i really want my own independence, routine, and space where i feel like i can fully unmask and actually enjoy living. not to say i hate it at my current home, but i often feel really bad anxiety around the house due to my past with neglectful and abusive foster parents. i’ve been in care since i was 7, and all my past foster homes have been really awful, worse than the home i was originally taken from. it’s really stunted my growth, in terms of social interactions, understanding of the world, and behaviour. sometimes i regress involuntarily, especially when im in a bad mental state or i feel scared, and i feel like these factors could impact living alone hugely, but i also really desire my own space where i can fully be who i want to be without feeling watched all the time.
does that make sense? i’m really sorry if it doesn’t :(
i don’t have a job and i don’t desire one since i really don’t have any hope for a future. work sounds boring and so depressing, and im also worried that i wont be able to support myself due to how burned out and easily depressed i get when forced to do things i dont want to do. i know that ill probably receive some kind of help from maybe social services, but like i said, i really dont know where to start or what i even need to do, or what ill recieve.
my sister who’s 19 still lives with us, but she’s in uni and has acccomodation. i’m in my second year of college, but technically ive gone back to first year since im starting another course, and my college is a half an hour bus ride from my home. if i was to live alone, im scared that i wouldn’t be able to find somewhere thats near my college, and would therefore cause more problems and a change in routine that im not ready for. can you tell im scared?? i really really am 💔
not knowing literally anything about this moving out process is really scaring me, nobodies told me anything and my social worker is fucking useless, she’s never working. i’m also supposed to have someone else who’s supposed to help me out with the “growing up and preparing to move out” business, i forgot what they’re called, but im yet to be assigned someone. my foster carer has applied for assisted living, and i wouldn’t hate the idea so much if i didn’t know that my friends wanted to get a place together, and now i really want to either be the one to get that house that we can all stay in, or move in with one of them when they get one. i also don’t even know if i qualify for assisted living, since im very able bodied, somewhat mentally capable and i can do many things on my own, like cook basic food, clean, use public transport alone, go out by myself, manage my monthly allowance well and can often speak up for myself if i need to.
speaking of the assisted living though…
me and my foster carer have a really rocky relationship, as she doesn’t like being told she’s wrong, whereas i’m a firm believer that if you’re wrong, you should be called out for it. she often stops talking to me for long periods of time (she’s actually doing it now, that’s what’s prompted me to start thinking about this.) and will completely ignore me, take all my things that she knows i enjoy, and will keep starting arguments until she randomly decides she likes me again, and it’s torture since i hate conflict due to my past and i don’t know how to properly talk to her. all these factors make me really want to go and live somewhere alone where i don’t have to deal with that anymore, and i won’t feel stress. and also her family are really cold and it feels like they’re always judging me ever since i went through a rough mental patch in year 11 and they also found out that i regularly smoke weed.
this family no longer feels like my own, and it’s feeling more and more apparent now that this is all just a job for her, and im nothing but a paycheck. i don’t want to feel this way anymore, i want to be with my friends, who actually love me for who i am, will support me however i need, and won’t criticise me for how i feel or what i do.
or by myself, if that’s even possible.
i’m also worried about things like house payments, bills, buying food every week etc… but if my friends are really serious (which i’m sure they are since they have terrible living conditions), then maybe i’ll be able to figure that out alongside them at some point.
i’m sorry if that didn’t make any sense, ill do a small summary here just in case;
- i wanna move out next year
- i have no clue about moving out because nobody has told me shit
- i don’t know how im gonna actually support myself or even get a house at all
- no clue if im get any benefits or help from social services
- no clue if im even going to manage because of all my issues
yeah.
if anybody understood any of that, please let me know or offer any advice, even if it’s just a small word of encouragement, because i feel like im so lost in a world that everyone but me seems to be able to navigate 🥲