my best friend (19) jumped in front of a train on may 13th. people who i know she didn’t like will be at her celebration of life.
my best friend with borderline personality disorder and bipolar killed herself by walking onto the tracks in front of the commuter rail. she didnt die on impact, she died from her injuries.
we were as close as close can be. she died without us ever having a fight with each other or a misunderstanding or disagreement. she told me when we first became friends that suicide was an eventuality for her. i told her i’d never take her for granted. that was in november.
she told me i was the only reason she wont kill herself. when she attempted in march, she wrote me a text. this time, however, she didnt. we facetimed every single fucking day. a couple days before she killed herself she got sexually assaulted. the night before she ended her life, we were on facetime until midnight and were talking about what life would be like when we’re older and grow old together.
its important i also mention we met in a toxic group which we both left around roughly the same time because we both hated how they treated us. she hated how they treated me and how i was being shit talked at a sleepover. this goes to my main worry.
people who she didnt like will be at her funeral. people she GENUINELY hated. her ex boyfriend who called her a crazy psycho mentally ill bitch, her high school “friends” who told her to kill herself… people who claim to be her best friend when they mischaracterize her as this drama obsessed person who is shallow about her appearance. violet used so much humor and a façade to cope.
i don’t know how i can go to this celebration of life knowing there are people there who she would hate to see there. ive written over and over again in my notes app my frustration and anger to try and get it out and it won’t work. i dont know how i can stand to see people who contributed to her depression and ideation at a place to celebrate her life when they actively made it worse.
i love her so much. i miss her. i just wanna see her again and if there is an afterlife, i don’t want her to see these people deceiving her actual friends and family into thinking they were there for her when i know the truth. for reference, she wasn’t close to her family either and slept over my house to escape from everything. her mom threatened to kick her out after she tried to overdose in march when she got back from the mental hospital.