u/Specialist-Radish471

I’m currently working on a cold case for the state of Kansas on Sherry Darnell Baker. She was killed just a few months after enrolling into Wichita State University in 1974. Rumor has it she was a victim of the BTK Killer but according to the police information she doesn’t fit the MO of him. That’s because:

* She’s black
* BTK not only has great memory of each killing but also documented each one.
* She was stabbed 70 times either with a knife or sissors. (I can’t find concrete information on what weapon was used).

But that wouldn’t rule her out because she was literally killed 10 months after his very first kill. And she attended the same college as him but have yet to find any link to her. The reason why this is cold case is one obvious reason is that she was a young black woman in a very racist city in Kansas. This college alone barely had any black students at the time. Plus the police abd news reports have ZERO INFORMATION ON HER. Nothing on where she was born, what she went school for, who her mother is, if she had siblings, and etc.

It seems like she ended up dead and everyone in Wichita Kansas just said “Oh well! One less black person to deal with”. But I’m looking for her and in order to get any information I have the build this from the ground up. So far I have:

* located her grave (now I know her birthdate)
* Foubd out who her best friend was (currently see if she’s still alive)
* I have idea of what high school she went to in Wichita and currently searching through year books.
* I also recently emailed the Wichita cold case department to see if they could give me any information of what they have gathered. (Have not heard back yet)

The problems I’m running into is that I can’t get ahold of any personal documentation on her. In Kansas you can’t obtain any information as a non relative unless you have legal means like insurance, property ot geneology.

Anyways I’m making this post to see if anyone who lives in Kansas can direct me or help me dig into sherry’s life?

I have busted through my frustration and irritation I have in my relationship. Over this weekend while still recovering from burnout. Me and my partner had a serious conversation. In the midst of the conversation of how I was feeling left out, ignored, not being poured into from them and disconnected.

I talked about how I have been the only support system and everything has been placed upon my shoulders. I felt like I was picking up the slack of what my partner was not doing. And I was demanding more from them. I felt like my work week never ended because I was working on the weekends taking care of them.

My partner expressed that they were working on fixing things in their life but since I’m not around much. I’m not there to see the work they do. That they do a lot of things on their own and honestly they do what they can with what they have. I was making them feel like they weren’t enough or trying hard enough. Then they asked why I don’t trust them that they are doing the work? And it made my Brain explode but in a good way.

Why dont I trust them to do the work? My partner has never given me a reason to not trust them. Yes, they have dropped the ball on things here and there but they have never lied to me. I also don’t see them that often. I only see them once a week because we live about an hour apart. I work a full time job and I have my own adult responsibilities to handle during the week.

So I only get phone or text updates on their progress or set backs. I only get to see the struggle they deal with as they work through their stuff. It make sense why they lean on me for the emotional support or asking for help for things because that’s the only time I’m included in anything they are doing. I’m not there for the day to day. So I can only go off of and draw conclusions with what information I’m getting. Which my conclusions and assumptions are not positive ones. But this trust thing… and the stories I build in my head… it’s really messing me up.

I know where it comes from. I have never been able to rely on people to show up for me. My parents never showed for anything I ever did in my life including my my life milestones. I’ve always had partners who felt like they didn’t need to or didn’t want to show up for me. I’ve had partners who made me feel like my needs weren’t important. And I have been taken care of so many adults in my life. And the times I did trust someone they left me in the dust or worse off. I feel like I need to control everything and be steps ahead of them to catch things before they hit the ground. I get filled with so anxiety and so much mistrust. I felt like my current relationship is the same situation and same cycle I have been in.

I’m treating my partner like im their responsibility. My happiness, my peace, my reassurance and more. That is to not say that the times they dropped the ball really hurt my feelings like never planning anything for my bday when I went all out for theirs. Mind You they made up for that for our Anniversary and profusely apologized for my birthday. And some reason I still haven’t forgiven them.

Why am I doing this? Why don’t I trust them? And the hardest question is… what is it going to take?

Currently recovering from a stage. My partner has been running me ragged with their problems. One crisis after another and today I’m on Do Not Disturb. I’ll probably be on it all the way through the weekend.

I care about partner but I’m tired of being the one that called upon when everything hits the fan. I’m not responding to anymore crises. Tuesday was the last straw for me and I’m not mad at them getting sick it’s just I drove probably 2 1/2 hours. I had to feed and walk their dogs, and my car is in the shop due to my partner hitting a deer with it. Luckily I have full coverage.

I know a break up is on the horizon. I have pulled the trigger yet on it because right now I’m too mentally and physically exhausted to navigate a break up right now. I don’t have the ability to process my feelings right now. My therapist said yesterday that I was doing mini breakups. Spending even less time with them, creating space and etc. I don’t agree but maybe I am.

This isn’t the most extreme burnout I have experienced. I’ve had worse relationships. My partner is actually respectful that when I want space they leave me alone. But once I come back it’s instantly their problems take over the entire relationship. And I’m right back managing whatever they got going on (eviction, power being turned off, body pain, their paranoia that they have a tumor or something. Whatever the new sickness they have conquered up in their head.)

I don’t need advice on my relationship. I just wanted to acknowledge where I’m at today. If anyone has any methods on how they get out burnout. I would greatly appreciate it.

I have been in a relationship for 8 months. Just like any new relationship it was good. I met my partner we were locked in on day one. We end up making it official 3 months later. We have a strong emotional connection. But then I got the gist of their financial situation, their background, how they grew up, and how they functioned in life.

My partner has been living an unstable life since they were a kid. Experienced abuse in all categories. Has trauma from everything that goes along with it. But they are also a codependent person. They are also someone who doesn’t make the right decisions. They are also someone who rather suffer than make their situation better or have proactive actions. They are also someone who doesn’t want to use their brain and wants someone else to take over. I get the reasons why they do all of this. They barely had an therapy. They believe they are navigating life just fine.

But I have been carrying this weight of this relationship for a long time. Between each crisis that happens on a monthly basis. The emotional labor and dealing with some parent/child dynamics. The amount of money and physical driving (because they don’t have a car). Don’t get me started on the money scams they fall for because of their financial desperation to make some money because another bill is due.

I have returned to CODA for the last few months. I have been working through this with my therapist and yes… I have been using DeepSeek Ai to help sort out my brain about this dynamic. I have finally came to place that the weight has been lifted.

I have refocused on my self care
I have been doing things for myself
I sent boundaries about how my money is being spent on the this relationship
I have been pulling back and worrying less about their issues
I have expressing my concerns, my feelings and etc with this
Most importantly… I have set some hard boundaries for myself.

I have a plan now. I’m going to wait for them to show up in this relationship and they have until November of this year. But! If they become homeless before then… it’s a 100% break up. I have helped them to the best of my abilities. They are currently borrowing my car to work a temp job but they still have not paid their rent for June and now July is coming fast. They have choosen to pay for their stupid classic car in storage instead of their rent. (They have a classic car that doesn’t work, needs a lot of work, and more. They don’t have the money, nor the skills to bring this car back to life. So instead of selling the classic car to pay for their rent for a few months. They have choosen to keep it in a storage unit. They struggle to pay the bill but that car is more important to them… then keeping a roof over their head. Frankly… I’m SICK IF THAT CAR!)

I have done so much for this person and I have a limit now. If they become homeless before November. I’m done. I will not and cannot spend more of my money trying to get hotel rooms so we can spend time together. I am not driving them everywhere all the time because they need to get other things done. I am not a ride or die type of chick and I’m not going to start now.

I’m learning a very hard lesson in this. This is one of my relationship patterns that has me in a chokehold. I have shook off the other toxic relationship patterns. But this is the one that traps me the most. Someone who is amazing, sweet, respectful, and more but has a lifetime of financial issues and job instability. I cannot rescue a person who hast not done anything to rescue themselves.

In the great words of Mayyadda who sings “ R.I.P to Captain Save a Heaux”: I can’t save no body, I put my cap down sorry, I’m going to need some boundaries because I’m keeping my peace.