How many times can i keep getting up
I honestly just need to get this out because I’m so frustrated and emotional right now.
Yesterday I binged, and then today I did it again. And the worst part is that when I binge on things I have at home, it’s actually so awful because it’s not even enjoyable. I’m literally bingeing on ingredients at this point. It’s not even food I particularly want or enjoy. It’s just whatever is there.
Today I made cookies, ate half a block of butter, finished crisps, ate loads of bars, and honestly I don’t even know what else. Like, what is wrong with me? I don’t even want to be doing this. It’s not even satisfying. I just end up feeling disgustingly full, bloated, uncomfortable and so disappointed in myself.
And I’m so tired of feeling like this.
Today I woke up at 8am. I had breakfast, made coffee, and genuinely tried to give the day a chance. I didn’t want to pressure myself into going to the gym because I thought maybe I could just have a chill day and be kind to myself. But then I started eating loads, and before I knew it, I’d binged again.
It’s now 5pm , and I’ve basically done nothing all day. I’m home alone while my mum is out shopping, my hair is greasy, I feel so bloated and fat, and I’m sitting here feeling absolutely awful about myself.
I didn’t even go into work today. That’s how much this is affecting me. And now I’m thinking about potentially skipping college because I feel so horrible. Like, why am I letting this take so much of my life away from me? I don’t want to miss out on things because of this.
And the thing is, I know I can have good days. Last week, I was doing so well. I was genuinely happy. I’d gone almost a week without bingeing, which might not sound like much to some people, but I’ve been bingeing around three times a week, so that felt huge for me. I was proud of myself. I felt like I was finally getting somewhere.
And then I binged again.
I know I can get back to that place, but it’s the fact that I have to keep getting back up that is exhausting me. Every time I binge, it feels like it takes a little piece of me with it. I spend so much time trying to recover from the last episode, feeling horrible about myself, trying to get back into a normal routine, trying to feel okay in my body again. And then it happens again, and I’m back here.
The first time, okay. The second time, sure, I’ll get back up. I’ll probably still say that the hundredth time. But I’ve been dealing with this fucking eating disorder for over three years now, and I’ve been trying to recover for a year. I genuinely can’t even count how many times I’ve gotten back up, tried again, got myself into a better place, and then somehow ended up back in the cycle.
It’s so exhausting. I don’t know how many more times I can pick myself up and tell myself to try again.
And I hate how much shame I feel around this. My mum even noticed today. I asked her to buy some snacks for my lunch next week, and she was just like, “Oh my gosh, you already finished the snacks we had? Like wow, you eat so much.” She didn’t say it exactly like that, but basically she noticed.
I don’t even know why that interaction affected me so much, but it did. I just felt so exposed. Imagine someone actually finding out what I’m struggling with. I feel so ashamed of it, and I hate that I feel that way because I know eating disorders aren’t something to be ashamed of, but I can’t help it.
I’m so tired of my body image issues, too. I’m tired of feeling bloated and uncomfortable in my own body. I’m tired of thinking about food so much. I’m tired of how much mental energy this takes from me. I just want to live a normal life without food and my body taking up so much space in my head.
And the worst part is that I don’t even enjoy the binges anymore. It’s not like I’m having this amazing experience and then regretting it afterwards. I’m literally eating random ingredients and snacks that I don’t even particularly want, getting painfully full, and feeling horrible afterwards. What is the point? I don’t even want to do it, so why does it keep happening?
I know I shouldn’t be thinking about it in terms of calories, but I get so angry knowing that I’ve eaten so many energy-dense foods when I wasn’t even enjoying myself. It just feels so pointless, and I hate that my brain keeps doing this.
I’m also so scared that this is just going to turn into another binge, and then another one, and another one. I know that’s probably my OCD talking, but I can’t help being scared of getting stuck in this cycle again.
I don’t want to spend tomorrow feeling awful about today. I don’t want to skip college because I’m embarrassed about my body or because I’m still mentally recovering from a binge. I don’t want to lose another day. I don’t want to keep doing this.
And I know that tomorrow can be a new day. I know I don’t have to restrict or compensate, and I know I can just carry on with my life. But honestly, sometimes I’m so exhausted that even the thought of trying again feels overwhelming.
I’m just so tired of this eating disorder. I’m tired of having to be strong about it. I’m tired of feeling hopeful and then feeling like I’ve let myself down. I’m tired of being so angry at myself when all I really want is to be okay.
I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. I think I just needed to get it all out somewhere because I feel so alone with it sometimes, and I’m honestly so emotional right now.
If you’re going through something similar, if this is you today, then we’ve got this. I don’t really know how, and I’m not going to pretend I have some inspirational advice because I genuinely feel so defeated right now. But I don’t want to give up on myself, even when I’m exhausted from trying.
I just wish recovery didn’t feel like having to pick yourself up over and over again.
Anyway, I just needed to rant.