u/Specialist_Funny4318

Since leaving the LDS faith and researching many other faith traditions to understand how my identity was so intertwined with the church I have been collecting some data.

I have attended the Unitarian, Lutheran, Evangelical, Catholic, Protestant (basic), Anglican, and Pagan outdoor churches near me. Many, many have aging congregations. But! The more liberal the church the less (!) congregants and the higher the ages. The more high demand and fundamentalist the group the more and younger the congregants got! I was surprised.

My hypotheses for these are 1. The rise of Christian Nationalism makes evangelicalism popular now 2. Uncertainty - political, economic, societal causes people to seek hierarchical structures with strong male patriarchal leadership 3. White flight - Racism and fear of LGBTQ issues might cause too much cognitive dissonance and ethical questions about God, theology, history might arise threatening ego, so going to a congregation where group think happens feels good.

With this info, maybe The LDS church restricting and keeping a tight grip on obedience and fundamentalism may be a short term strategy that works.

Ultimately it felt like religion was on a sharp decline overall. Small congregations, very few youth and children, and empty parking lots were the norm. The Wild Church movement that included meditation, walks in nature, and sharing time seemed to get the most participation from children/youth/parents/elderly all together.

Craptastic things leaders have said to me or friends over the years.

Bishop: Will you accept the call to be Primary President?

Me: I am currently very ill with a chronic illness.

Bishop: That’s not a problem we will get you great counselors. But as a condition of this call you must accept two inactive men to serve as choristers.

Me: Ok????

6 mos later….. I’m teaching sharing time, and leading music time (because the men don’t show up) and also subbing for all of the teachers who also didn’t show up because they too were called by the Bishop to reactivate them. I get panic attacks every Saturday night for 2.5 years.

———-

Me 1 day before camp starts as assistant camp director: “I’m in the emergency room. I had a cyst burst and am also having a miscarriage”

Stake leader: “Well that is very inconvenient for us. Do you think you can come up mid week?”

Me: No.

———————

Me: Bishop, the person you just called is actively bullying our child, and their spouse is calling us regularly to threaten us. Did you even pray about this calling?

Bishop: “No.” Continues to break confidentiality and tell the people we have concerns about exactly what we said in his office. They then retaliate by escalating verbal threats.

Me: Stake President ______ we are actively being threatened by members of our ward. Can we go to another ward?

SP: No

Me: Can we go to the Spanish branch as spouse speaks Spanish?

SP: No

Me: Can _____ be called to a Stake calling so it looks like they were needed elsewhere instead of over my kid?

SP: No. But we’ll check on you regularly.

Crickets

——————-

In Ward Council to the entire WC.

Sister So and So is incredibly good looking. (Not his wife.)

——————

Husband to Bishop: Did you know _______ is on Megan’s law list for raping children as young as 6?

Bishop: Yes.

Husband: And you didn’t think it was helpful to warn the ward or at least the Primary President?

Bishop: No. He’s repented.

Husband: Ok, we’ll watch him ourselves then to protect the kids. I’ll also ask Stake Presidency about policy on this.

——————

Friend: Bro so and so lied and lost us a lot of money. We thought we could trust him as he’s a former Mission President.

Me: I’m so sorry. Did you tell SP?

Friend: Yes, but he just got a very quiet slap on the wrist. Now we have to move to make up for this loss.

—————-

Me: Bishop don’t you think it undermines faith in the Priesthood when you call men who the ward knows had affairs or been arrested?

Bishop: What? No! These are good men. And how do you know that?

Me: Their wives.

Bishop: Oh.

No changes made. Good ol boy network entrenched. They actually are good men, who did make mistakes. But it also caused distrust.

——————

Hubby: Bishop, the material taught in EQ today was very racist and we had 2-3 ward members there that were BIPOC.

Bishop: What? What was said?

Hubby: All lives matter stuff, anti-LGBTQ stuff, a list of worldly influences like these. It was a Fox News regurgitation lesson.

Bishop: Do you think they noticed?

Hubby: Yes.

(All BIPOC men in that lesson went inactive in under one year.) But correlation is not necessarily causation, ha!

My child’s best friend who they grew up in the ward with and is nuanced surprised us to say she was going through the Temple. This was a surprise to us based on her good understanding of church history, positions on gay and trans issues, and anti-racist framework. But despite our surprise we were like hmm but ok 👌. Well today the friend reported back that she did go to the temple, got her garments but when at the temple when given the chance to opt out, she did. 🤯 And her parents were disappointed. My husband and I are floored. We have never heard of someone opting out - does she get to keep her garments? What are the next steps? If any? My husband and I are so proud of her bravery but we have no idea how to express that, if we should at all. What is the doctrine or policy if someone chooses to opt out during the endowment? Thanks!

****Also it is possible, she may want to complete the ordinance but wants more time to think/process. So I don’t know if more questions would be answered. And us being fully out may not feel safe to process with. I’m really just wanting to understand what policy is in this situation.

Put on a dinner for 200 missionaries on a week’s notice.
Feed the Stake a snack after adult conference on a week’s notice.
Find people to clean the Temple in a week or less.
Clean a hoarders home for them to move.
Find ways to keep 100 kids (several neurodivergent) reverent for 1-2 hours.
Rake through a lesson for material I feel comfortable teaching about.
Prepare for a week of sleeping outside with 250 people.
Go to ward council and accomplish nothing.
Pretend to like people I don’t.
Go to stake leadership meetings that could have been handled by email or text.
Pay tithing so the church can build malls or buy condos in Florida.
Go to church and listen to racist, sexist, homophobic things and come home crying.
Pretend myths were facts to keep a narrative of restoration.
Try my very best to understand what the Temple meant.
Judge myself and others.
Believe in Satan/hell.
Believe that God created LGBTQ kids but somehow didn’t want them to marry but men can extra marry.
Believe women can be given to men ie 132.
Plan fun activities weekly for 60 YW. (Fun but stressful)
Lead a ward choir (I don’t read music!)
From a former YW, Primary, RS President and Camp Director.

Best thing I did love doing: filling food orders, singing and playing with kids, sitting and talking with older women, teaching, spending fun times with teens.

I have Religious Trauma Syndrome. Some may mock this. But leaving the church and have it fully unravel over a few months is hard. It feels like my Dad died: God. My hero turned out to be a pedophile egomaniac fiction writer: Joseph Smith. My spouse who I made covenants of honesty and fidelity to stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from me over 50 years: the church. And now everyone is mad at me! for realizing these things are/were impacting my nervous system. Sigh.

I do miss the familiarity of the cinderblock walls, hay wallpaper, yellow oak gym floors. I’m trying to find spaces that have similar nostalgia and calming effect on my body. So far public libraries, state park brown signs (CA), national and state park visitor centers, neighborhood swim clubs, YMCAs, Barnes and Noble, college campuses, and museums all feel good when I go. What other spaces feel regulating as soon as you enter them?

Hi, new member here and new ex-mo. I am experiencing Religious Trauma Syndrome. My brain understands that the church is not true, but my body is reacting to a threat of safety. My body is behaving very similarly to a betrayed spouse. I’m in talk/trauma therapy, trying new grounding practices, started a women’s group for ex-mos in my stake area, use a weighted blanket to stay embodied but still am struggling to stay present, started an RA flare, digestion issues etc. all in line with trauma response. My parents and siblings have responded poorly to my leaving church. Spouse left with me though! I have adult children some in, some out. I’m having high fear and shame. Some anger. So angry that I overlooked community needs to pay tithing when I could have helped real people. So angry I took callings when I was very sick with RA. So angry my MIL cried for 30 years because her kids left the church young and she lost “her perfect family”, so angry at the abandonment of victims to favor abusers, I hate that purity culture is mental mutilation. I wonder what other delusions I am in. Ego death hurts!!! Any other ideas to ease this pain are welcome. Small rebellions like not wearing garments, not going to church etc are giving small freedoms but not convincing me of safety. (I have read Richard Rohr, Brian McLaren, Connie Zweig, Ken Wilbur, Tara Brach, Tich Nhat Han, Britt Hartley for spiritual transition but have major fallout when faced with nihilism.) More book recs welcome. Thx!