Husband ultimatum
Sorry this is long but I need advice and perspective.
Been together for 25 years and married for 16. we have 3 children together 14, 13, and 10. My husband is a wonderful father and husband. He cares deeply for us.
Recently sent our girls off to see family without us. While they were at my parents house my mom allowed our daughter to drive her car on a country road in order to cheer our daughter up. She has never driven before and my mom did not call to ask permission.
My husband found out when the girls got home and was furious. He feels like he has been robbed of an important experience that he really wanted to have with them. He is very protective about getting to experience our children’s “firsts” of things. To be fair to him, my mom has had a history of butting in on things in the past. Not in an evil way, I just don’t think she considers the ramifications of her actions and is focused on loving the girls and trying to be a good grandma. But she has overstepped in the past.
Additionally he is blaming me because he says I’m not firm enough with my mom about establishing boundaries. He is right about that, I’ve struggled with it, and we’ve literally moved across the country to help establish breathing space between us. He sees this as my fault as much as hers. While I do think it was disrespectful to do that without asking us, I’ve never been an all or nothing person and I forgive easily and move on. My husband can’t do that.
He know is saying that he wants me to choose between him or my mother. Either never let the kids be around her again and cut her out of their lives so he can feel “safe as a parent and know things are done the way he wants” or he is threatening to divorce me and leave the kids. It’s all a very all or nothing approach where he feels like if he can’t have complete control then he wants none at all as he can’t live in the middle. I feel like this is a gross over reaction and that he is forcing a decision that would strip the girls of grandparents who love them. I get that my mom can be selfish and doesn't consider the impact of her actions sometimes, but it’s not like she is a drug dealer or a horrible person. We see her maybe once or twice a year at best.
I feel like I am in a no win situation here. I Don’t want him to feel like I’m choosing her over him. But at the same time I feel like his request is completely unreasonable.