u/SpeedIguana

To be honest early on, if I know I am going to lose because the enemy has a meta deck stacked against me that I can't possibly counter in time, or my mulligan draw just absolutely sucks, or the enemy has me cornered. I quit. There's no point in playing a losing game a few turns in when I can just easily get into another match by the time the defeat screen pops up (except if its obviously ranked matches).

Maybe every once and a while I will fight to the bitter end if I feel I have a chance, or let a enemy player has his victory if I feel they fought honorably (kind of arbitrary to say that), as that's the type of loss I can appreciate if I know I was beat fair and square, and not to some shitty meta I couldn't stop.

TLDR: I hate my life and myself. I got no useful skills and need to get my shit together lest my dark mind consume me and take me down a dark path.

I dont want to whine or go all "woe is me!" But fuck, I feel like i have been losing my mind just from being isolated in my home all day and the guilt of having not done something yet of great value yet.

4 years down the drain since I graduated high school. Which is a fucking shame, not only to me but my family who think of me as a lazy bum for not having put myself together yet (which is ironic considering I got two older siblings in their late 30s who havent even left our house yet)

It's not like I dont want to work (I have worked in the past in various warehouses), its just that I dont want to deal with people anymore. I am a shy introvert and much rather be by myself than deal with unpredictable elements of humanity treating me like a fucking mule than a human being.

Maybe because I have studied a lot about world history and psychology before leaving high school that I have grown too cynical about the world I don't want to deal with it anymore (ngl a little bit of mean world syndrome plagues my thoughts which is obviously confirmation bias but still).

Unfortunately thats been making me live like its covid 19 all over again. I've just been talking to myself too much due to intrusive thoughts, being self aware about everything it fucking sucks for real man. Not a day goes by I dont say verbatim "I want to kill myself" due to some embarassing memory or the fact my life sucks.

I just wish I could sit down and put my rotted procrastinating brain to work rather than watch stupid content all day. I got no useful skills to bring to the table anyways besides trivial world history /geopolitical history that doesnt mean shit in real life unless you're a politician or something.

I am going to have to get a job again eventually anyways (I am running out of funds). At least actually studying might get me into something quiet or independent work (I am fucking tired of taking orders from others, I want to be my own boss, maybe get into HVAC or learn how to make video games idk).

What i want people to understand from all of this is, that NEETDOM, no matter how comfortable and protected its made me, theres that lingering feeling that been growing for a while about how I am not making my mark on the planet. Thats it.