Need some advise, as I’m confused on what to do.
I’m 22 and still live with my parents. I’ve been with my partner for almost three years. Recently, a very close family member on my partner’s side passed away, and we need to travel around 8 hours to attend the funeral. We’ll be driving there and staying with my partner’s family for a few days (from the 27th to the 31st)
The funeral is on the 28th, my father’s birthday is on the 30th, and my partner wants to head back home on the 31st.
The situation has become really difficult because birthdays in my family have always been a really big thing, especially because I’m an only child and we’ve always made a point of spending them together.
Originally, my plan was to attend the funeral and then drive back on the morning of my dad’s birthday so I could still spend time with him and celebrate together, I would leave at about 4-5am.
However, after speaking with my partner, they said they would prefer to stay a few days before and after the funeral to grieve and be with their family. I completely understand why they feel that way, especially because the person who passed away was incredibly important to them and played a massive role in their life. I want to be there to support my partner through this.
The issue is that my partner doesn’t want to compromise on leaving earlier and my parents also don’t want to compromise. My father has become very upset and has said some hurtful things about me “choosing” who I care about more. Personally, I feel like a funeral is more important than a birthday as birthdays come every year and I was still planning on celebrating with my dad when I got back, I am not picking one person over the other, just one situation over the other.
To make things more stressful, I currently drive my parents’ car. I’ve paid off part of it, but I still owe a large amount before it’s officially mine. I’m also between jobs at the moment. Because of the disagreement, my parents have now said I can’t drive the car down there, which is their right and I understand that but I don’t believe my partner’s car will make the trip, and flying also isn’t financially realistic right now for me.
I suggested to my partner about driving back by myself on the day of my father’s birthday so I could attend both, but my partner became upset about that idea as well, they would then have to fly back or be in the car with their parents on the way back.
At this point, I feel stuck in the middle trying to keep everyone happy, but no one is willing to compromise, which means someone ends up upset regardless of what I do. I’m still rather new to balancing time and responsibilities between multiple families, and honestly, I’m exhausted from constantly feeling like I’m carrying the emotional weight of everyone else’s expectations.
As of right now, I’ve chosen to attend the funeral because I want to support my partner during such a significant loss, but I’m worried this is going to create major tension and arguments at home. I genuinely don’t know what the “right” choice is anymore, and I hate feeling like I’m disappointing people no matter what I do.
Realistically I would like to be there for both, and therefore come back home the day of my Fathers birthday but this doesn’t seem to be an option with my partner.
note: funeral is in less than a week and we received the date yesterday, also yes I did use chatgbt to help me write this as I suck at writing stuff coherently. My mother is also not happy with me and doesn’t want to talk to me right now about any of this as she disagrees with what I am doing.