My boyfriend (28M) has been repeatedly lying to me (25F) about drinking and vaping. How to move forward?
For some context, my boyfriend (M28) and I (F25) have been together for almost two years, and we just moved into a house together a couple of months ago after from graduating law school.
When we first started seeing each other, I told him I didn’t think we should date, because I didn’t think our lifestyles would be very compatible, as he very frequently went out to bars and got wasted, and though I used to drink a lot in college, I rarely drink now so I just didn’t think it would be a good match. He also vaped, and I told him I didn’t want to date anyone who vapes, and that was a non-negotiable for me. I starting vaping when I was 19 and my bf at the time vaped, and then I continued for a few years until I was finally quit cold turkey. I now haven’t vaped in several years. Because of this, I didn’t want to date anyone who vaped (not a moral issue or anything), I just felt like it would be really hard for me to be around it without wanting to start the habit back up, and I also think I would feel especially uncomfortable about it later in life, especially if/when kids come into the picture.
Another concern I had was that while we were seeing each other before dating officially, he had gone out with his friends, got hammered, and kissed another girl/asked her to come home with him (which I only found out after seeing a text on his phone later). He swore it was a one time thing that was only due to the alcohol and that he had a problem with drinking and needed to cut back in the future. I told him I didn’t think things would work out because I would not be able to trust him going out and drinking, so he said he simply wouldn’t drink in the future unless I was there. I felt like him promising not to drink without me and to stop vaping were unrealistic promises that he wouldn’t want to or be able to follow through with, and I was worried that he would resent me in the long run or change his mind. However, he insisted that it was really what he wanted and would be good for him and it was his decision to quit and be with me, so eventually I gave in and we started dating.
Over the past 2 years, I have caught him several times drinking or vaping behind my back and lying to me about it. We even almost broke up last spring after I caught him vaping and he repeatedly lied to me about it. I told him it was ok if he was/had been struggling to quit, and he just needed to be honest with me, but he continued to lie about it. We ended up reconciling after I gave him an ultimatum and he came clean about what had been going on the last several months.
Fast forward to now, it has been nearly a year since the last time I caught him in a lie, and I found out he is vaping and hiding it again. I had suspicions based on how he was acting, and sure enough, I found a vape in his bag when I looked. I took it with me and then when I looked the next day I found another one. So it’s definitely not old. We are in the middle of studying for the bar and I understand it is a super stressful time which makes cravings worse. Having had the same addiction, I get how hard it can be to quit, especially when you’re going through stressful circumstances. However, it isn’t really the vaping in and of itself that bothers me the most, but the lying. I’m seriously thinking about ending things now.
It may sound stupid to end a two year relationship over vaping, but genuinely, the most important thing to me in a relationship is honesty, and I feel like I can’t trust him because of the repetitive lies. I made it clear what my boundaries and expectations are before getting into the relationship, and he made certain promises to me to convince me to date him. If he is no longer willing or able to fulfill those promises, I would be more likely to stay with him if he would at least be honest with me instead of lying and hiding his behavior.
Even if I decided to just “let him” vape or whatever and get over the whole issue, I am worried about what else he might lie about in the future. I want to be in a trusting relationship where I can give my partner the benefit of the doubt be able to take them at their word without concern. What makes it worse is that since I found the vape, there have been several times in the last couple of days where I know he has gone to vape and when I asked him what he was doing, he made up some stupid lies, so it is still not just an issue about vaping and being sneaky, but lying again as well. Maybe now the lying is just about vaping, but if he can look me right in the eyes and lie to my face with no indication that he is bullshitting me, then it makes me scared about what else he might have lied about/is lying about/will lie about.
It’s such a hard decision, because I really do love him and in so many other ways he is a great partner. He adores my dog, who I got as a puppy last year and he helped raise, gets along well with my family (and his family loves me), he is very sweet, patient, generous, and considerate, and I know he really loves me a lot and wants to marry me. We have a lot in common— same career path, both well-educated, same sense of humor, love the outdoors, music, and travel, we share the same political beliefs, have the same long term goals and views about children, and he is even passionate about the environment as much as I am.
So on one hand, it feels almost insane to end things with someone that I think would, in many ways, be a good husband and father, over something that is not in and of itself a huge betrayal (like cheating). I also want to be patient and understanding, since I know that he is struggling with an addiction and that quitting can be SO hard, even if you genuinely want to stop. On the other hand, I feel like he is being selfish and violating the boundaries I have made extremely clear as well as lying repeatedly to cover up his behavior. The more times I forgive the lying, the more I feel like I am disrespecting myself by not putting my foot down and following through with threats to end things if the sneaking and lying continues. So I don’t know what to do. The fact that we just signed a lease and moved in together a month ago doesn’t help either, as it will be hugely difficult and a substantial financial burden to get out of the lease and find a new place. Either way I am not bringing anything up until after the bar, because I can’t deal with the added anxiety and conflict right now.
Thanks for any advice, not sure how to handle this.
TLDR: My boyfriend (28M) of two years has been repeatedly vaping and drinking behind my back and lying to me (25F) about it. Time to break up?