Is this COCSA?
NOTE: I’m on a throwaway account right now as I don’t want this linked to my main because I use it often and don’t want triggering content coming onto my timeline. Please forgive my zero posts and new account.
I’m 22, soon to be 23 female and the events I’m going to be talking about lasted for around 3 years of my childhood from roughly 6-9 years old.
When I was roughly 6 years old, my neighbour 6m dared me to undress in front of him. I obliged because at 6 years old I didn’t know this was a bad thing. Immediately I felt disgusted in myself and begged him not to tell anyone.
For the next 3 years he would force me to undress myself and told me if I didn’t do it he would tell my parents that I’d done it the first time. I lived my life in fear wondering when it would next happen and at times I invited him to do it just to get it out of the way because I knew it was inevitable.
This same boy also convinced my brother (1 year younger than me) to try to watch me and my sister urinate and tell him what it looked like.
This undressing happened almost daily for 3 years straight so I’m unsure of the exact number of times it happened.
He would force me to completely undress and usually get onto all fours while he was behind me. Usually he was just looking at me and sometimes he would touch and kiss my bum. Each time was around 10 minutes.
One day my mum walked into my room and caught it happening. She notified the school and completely cut all contact between the two of us. I was so terrified she would be angry at me but once I explained what had been happening I was just so relieved that it was finally all over and I was safe from him.
Recently me and my mum were speaking and this was brought up. I have repressed it for years and this has all just made it so real with her speaking on it. She told me that after it happened she spoke with my vice principal and requested we be kept apart at all times, and they both agreed they will probably see this boy on the news when he’s older for doing something horrific if he was doing this at such a young age.
Part of me feels so sick because I can’t blame him, he was only a child but I was also only a child and I didn’t want any of it, I didn’t deserve any of it.
I don’t know if this can be counted as COCSA because he didn’t technically do much to me but at the same time it has completely ruined the entire trajectory of my life.
Sometimes I think about the person I could have been if my life wasn’t ruined at 6 years old. I remember being a happy child and by the age of 9 I completely hated myself and my body. I’m an anxious mess and tried to kill myself in 2024 because I just can’t face the fact that I’ll never feel like a normal person.
Is this COCSA?
Edit to say sorry if this is difficult to read, my brain was very scattered writing it and it’s still kind of a repressed memory so I can’t recall everything completely, just how I felt. Also I’m on mobile so sorry if formatting is bad.