I really can’t believe I’m here again
I’ve avoided making this post for a long time. I quit maybe 6 months ago. I was doing great, feeling amazing, had my life and energy back.
My wife is bipolar and after switching to a new medication she tried to kill herself. This put pretty much the entire emotional, psychological, and physical household needs of not only our five children but also her on me.
On top of that I’m a bit of a mental mess myself, I just suppress it and shove it down so my family can lean on me. The shop less than a block from me sells single packs and while my wife was admitted in the behavioral hospital i bought one. It felt so fucking good. You all remember that first time, it was like that all over again.
It started with a single every other week, then it was weekly, then a couple times a week. Three weeks ago I got a free five pack as a frequent customer reward and just collapsed. Im up to 40-80mg a day depending. The withdrawals are brutal when im not on it, the headaches, you all know, i don’t need to go into it.
Im such a piece of shit. Im a fucking junky ass piece of shit and i cant even tell anyone because my wife is still working through med changes and fragile and im still carrying the weight of my entire household. Twice now i bought a pack and broke it up with the intention of tapering and both time I just ate it all almost like i wanted to harm myself for being so stupid.